The 10 Biggest Mistakes People Make In Therapy

Therapy is often framed as a solution to difficult emotions and experiences. It’s a place to talk, process and start to feel better. But simply booking an appointment and showing up doesn’t automatically mean the work is happening in the most effective way.

“Deciding to start therapy is often a thoughtful, deliberate choice,” Dr Sue Varma, a psychiatrist and author of Practical Optimism, told HuffPost. “For many people, it is something they have put off for a long time or struggled to access.”

But even the most well-intentioned therapy-goers can fall into habits that undermine their progress.

“It takes time for a person to learn how to best use the therapy space,” said therapist Nina Tomkiewicz. “Especially if you’ve never been to see a therapist before, you shouldn’t expect to know exactly what to do or how to be or what to share. It’s OK to make mistakes and figure things out. We need to give ourselves the grace to practice figuring out how to be satisfied with our therapy sessions.”

While that learning curve is normal, therapists say there are some pitfalls that can slow growth or keep people stuck longer than necessary. HuffPost asked mental health professionals to share the mistakes people make in therapy – and what to do instead to make the experience more productive and meaningful.

Jill Lamar, a licensed professional counsellor with Thriveworks, said that many clients undermine their treatment by engaging in distracting behaviour, particularly during teletherapy sessions on Zoom or other platforms.

“This may be as subtle as surreptitiously looking at their phones, texting, viewing work e-mails, playing games,” she said.

“They tend not to take these ‘at-home’ sessions as seriously and will ask permission to engage in activities like doing laundry, or allowing other family members, often their children, to enter the room. These break the flow of the session and keep clients from fully engaging, emotionally and mentally.”

For remote sessions, Lamar recommends treating the experience as if you are sitting in your therapist’s office.

“Eating lunch or a snack is usually allowable – although ask first – but the aforementioned behaviour is a deterrent to a reasonably productive therapy session,” she said. “Therapy should be, ultimately, therapeutic.”

“A common mistake is quitting therapy too early, often after a single session or one disappointing experience, and then swearing it off entirely for years,” Varma said. “I see this all the time.”

Such behaviour often stems from unrealistic expectations about how quickly the therapeutic process moves. But meaningful shifts don’t happen overnight.

“Being intentional and implementing change takes time and practice,” said Tori-Lyn Mills, a licensed professional counsellor with Thriveworks.

“The misconception is the belief that ‘I should be better by now.’ This expectation can actually hinder progress, because the idea that things should change simply because we want them to, can trigger self-pressure and self-judgment.”

Caitlyn Oscarson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, pointed to one common but unhelpful behaviour in therapy sessions: the tendency to try to say the “right” things instead of sharing actual thoughts and emotions.

“You might shy away from expressing your true feelings, downplay how much you are hurt and explain away others’ behaviour, trying to present in the most reasonable, self-aware version of yourself,” Oscarson said.

She recommended paying attention to times when you’re editing yourself or feeling conscious about how your therapist is perceiving you.

“Say how you feel and pause before qualifying or justifying,” Oscarson said. “Trust your therapist to ask the right questions to understand your feelings. Therapy is a place where you don’t always have to be reasonable.”

“The most common mistake is viewing therapy as a quick fix for uncomfortable feelings,” said psychotherapist Omar Torres. “Many people don’t realise that therapy is a non-linear process that requires grace and patience. It isn’t about making discomfort ‘go away’ – it’s about learning to navigate those feelings masterfully, sitting with discomfort and building resilience.”

He advised viewing therapy as a “journey of self-discovery,” rather than a silver bullet. There’s no easy fix that will magically improve your mental state and change your life.

“A mistake is thinking there’s a one-size-fits-all solution, or a one-step solution to a lifetime of pain,” echoed Tomkiewicz. “We are all guilty of this at some time in our lives. We think, ’If only I could find the right routine, partner, gym, job, then I would feel better. If only I could use the right strategy, the right meditation, journal prompt, psychological tool, then I would know exactly how to make myself feel better.”

It’s not about some singular dramatic breakthrough or accomplishment, but the small moments that add up over time.

“Working on ourselves is a journey, one that I don’t think will ever end,” Tomkiewicz said. “We are constantly evolving throughout our lives. We create our days, every day, so our opportunities for change and growth are infinite.”

“It is totally natural to push away from the difficult topics,” Oscarson said. “In our culture, we don’t often talk openly about complicated things like sex, money, substance abuse, and it can feel unnatural to talk about these things in therapy.”

Your therapist is very accustomed to talking about all manner of difficult topics and understands how uncomfortable it can feel for people.

“Write down the thing you want to bring up before the session to hold yourself accountable,” Oscarson advised. “Name your discomfort – ‘this is so awkward for me to bring up’ – and ask your therapist to help pace the conversation. If specifics feel like too much, start with just bringing up the general topic.”

Tomkiewicz noted that many people become hyper-focused on wanting the external circumstances of their lives to change before they try to feel better.

“Sometimes people will come in and point to everything wrong in their life, and say, ‘If only these things were different, then I could feel better,’” she said. “The point of therapy, of working on ourselves, is to feel differently in spite of things being the way they are.”

Waiting for circumstances to change is not a good strategy for improving our mindsets.

“Not only might we be waiting forever, but we also abdicate a sense of responsibility for how we show up in our lives,” Tomkiewicz said. “We are essentially saying, ‘This bad thing is here which I don’t like, so I am going to be upset about it, and since I have a good reason for being upset, I am not going to change.’ People need to be open to wondering, ‘What is this life experience challenging me to become?’”

She urged people to consider how they might find the best version of themselves in response to specific situations, rather than reacting in ways that make them feel more overwhelmed or upset. Ultimately, true progress comes from within – it’s internal work that requires active practice and accountability.

A therapist cannot change external things in your life, but through therapy, you can learn to explore your relationship with those things and find a new perspective, which also could, in time, lead to new choices that lead to changing life circumstances.

Tomkiewicz advised against “using your therapy session as a way to vent, complain and stay stuck”.

“It feels really good to get validation, really good. And therapists are trained to hear you, understand you and honestly validate your experience without judgment,” she said, adding that every perspective is valid and has truth in it.

But the problem with this approach is that it creates a cycle in which you vent about something just enough to feel some relief, but then you haven’t done anything to make a change. Retelling a story about your mean neighbour or complaining about your spouse’s lack of help with household chores will not provide full or lasting relief.

“While venting is a form of release in therapy, it is just part of the process,” Mills said. “The narrative often reveals the work that needs to be done. The misconception is that the venting itself will make you feel better, but often what is vented indicates a need for change, healthier boundaries or more effective coping strategies.”

Although it’s fine to derive some satisfaction from venting to friends and family, you probably want to take advantage of the time and money you spend in therapy to engage in deeper processing that will lead to actual change.

“We can address this by asking ourselves things like, ‘What is my role in this? What is within my control in this situation? What is it that I am really wanting? What is this situation teaching me to overcome?’” Tomkiewicz said.

Mills warned against developing dependence on your therapist. You might expect them to be a perfect fit, do the hard inner work for you, provide concrete instructions for every issue or always be agreeable and never challenge you.

“At times, the client may look at the therapist to provide deeper insight and understanding without engaging in necessary self-exploration,” Mills said.

“While a therapist can ask thoughtful, probing questions, progress can plateau if the client is unwilling or unable to explore their experiences more deeply. The misconception is that deeper insight or self-awareness is provided by the therapist, rather than developed through the client’s own willingness to sit with uncertainty and engage in deeper self-exploration.”

Torres emphasised that therapists do not have all the answers.

“While we have formal training, we are human and not all-knowing. We offer guidance, perspective, strategies and support, but we do not provide ‘answers,’” he said. “Our role is to help you reflect deeply enough to reach your own conclusions.”

“Feedback is such an important part of the therapy process,” Oscarson said. “Everyone is different, and what leads to amazing insight for one person will totally flop with another. Share your reactions with your therapist and what you actually find helps you in between sessions.”

The more honest you are about what works and doesn’t work for you, the more connected you will feel with your therapist and the process of therapy – which makes it more effective.

Tomkiewicz similarly advised against deferring to your therapist and what they say, instead of speaking up about a differing perspective.

“I want to know if something resonates or doesn’t resonate,” she said. “I want to know if what I said didn’t land or if it didn’t make sense to you. Maybe I recommended an exercise or thought experiment, but it doesn’t seem relevant to you – I want to know that.”

She noted that you can say things like, “I don’t understand why we are doing this exercise. Could you give me some more context about how this is supposed to help?” or “That last part you said didn’t really feel right. It’s more like this… Does that make sense?” or “I feel like we are focusing on this one area, but for me, this other area feels like the bigger issue.”

Try to be open about what progress, goals and success in therapy look like for you in general as well.

“Some people stay in therapy for years without feeling real benefit, yet never bring this up,” Varma said. “Therapy works best when it is an active, collaborative process. It helps to be open about what you were hoping for, what you expected and what problems you are trying to address.”

“One mistake that people make in therapy is that they think that showing up is enough to enact change,” said psychotherapist Meg Gitlin. “Finding a therapist and committing to sessions is the first step, and certainly a meaningful one. However, once things start to click in therapy, the real success comes from bringing what you learn in the session to the rest of your life.”

She compared the process to working out with a trainer once a week. You can learn exercises from the trainer and have a good session, but you need to do these workouts more regularly to really strengthen those muscles. With practice over time in everyday life, you will feel stronger.

The same goes for picking up on harmful communication patterns through therapy, for instance. Maybe someone learns they are often people pleasing and then feeling resentful.

“Simply identifying and understanding this pattern is wonderful, but it is not sufficient to break the cycle,” Gitlin said, adding that a therapist might help figure out alternate options for handling a situation and exploring how it would feel to shift the dynamic. “But the real work comes when the client is able to implement these tactics and tolerate the discomfort it may bring them.”

All the change and healing do not happen in sessions, so keep your therapy work present in everyday life. Likewise, when something impacts you during the week, make a note of it so that you can discuss it in your next session. Your therapy process and your daily experiences shouldn’t be disconnected.

“You can have a wonderful, illuminating conversation with your therapist, but it probably won’t result in long-term change if you don’t take action outside of the office,” Oscarson said.

“Choose something small – a new behaviour or a new perspective that you want to take into your week. Attach it to your existing routine, for example, reading a notecard with ‘takeaways’ from your therapy session while you brush your teeth or wait for your coffee to brew. Set reminders on your phone to think about the things you are working on in therapy.”