Therapist Shares Signs A Couple’s Headed For Divorce

According to research conducted by Dr John Gottman and Dr Julie Schwartz Gottman of the Gottman Institute, there are four “horsemen of divorce”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

And Susie Masterson, a BACP-registered therapist, told HuffPost UK that warning signs of divorce aren’t usually as simple as issues like financial problems or different life goals.

“I have seen couples overcome lots of challenging situations including: infidelity, unemployment, family estrangement and critical illness,” she said.

Here, she shared what she thinks can make the difference between couples who may be likelier to stay together and those that might split.

“Compatibility is not just about liking the same things or shared values; it’s about how we respond to challenges,” Masterson said.

She stated that couples often come to therapy during transitions like moving in together, changing jobs, having kids, or battling illness.

“Our responses to these transitions often highlight differences which might otherwise not have been apparent,” the therapist added.

For instance, many couples have financial disparities that might not be visible until e.g. someone loses their job.

But “Whilst many couples file for divorce citing financial challenges, it’s usually not that simple. When I speak to couples, it’s the differences between the response to these challenges that cause the relationship to break down.

“Successful relationships are predicated on a balance between power, respect and connection,” she explained.

“To be in a relationship with someone requires investment. We need to meet each other wherever we are. We all change. Just not at the same time or at the same pace. Tolerance is key to being able to manage this.

“In my experience, relationships break down when one or both parties are not willing/able to do this. This is often due to competing needs in a situation, where it becomes difficult for any concessions or compromises to be made.”

That’s not to say that tolerance and compatibility should be forced in a situation that isn’t serving you.

Masterson pointed out that all relationships go through cycles of rupture and repair. And “Sometimes, when we have been together for a long time, the accumulated impact of this can wear us down”.

It’s also possible that past hurts have gotten swept under the rug, in which case, learning how to heal from them should take priority. “Even if it doesn’t keep us together, it is a brilliant skill to learn as [we need] to be able to model this for our kids. It will also help us in future relationships.”

Ultimately, she ended, “It’s equally important to recognise that not all relationships can go the distance. Before making the decision to separate, it can be really helpful to fast forward to a preferred future and ask questions like: what will be different, how will it feel, who will be in my life, where will I be, what will I be doing?

“Then pause and reflect why any of these preferred outcomes are not possible within the relationship. When you have this clarity, it can help with self-trust and empowerment to commit to a certain course of action.”