TikTok On Grandparent Relationships With Grandkids Is Fuelling Debate

A TikTok video on how involved grandparents should be in their children’s lives – and whose responsibility it is that they forge a relationship – is fast dividing the internet

In a video which has been viewed over 2.5 million times, TikTok creator Helen, a retired police officer and “devoted granny” based in Devon, asked the internet: “Whose responsibility is it to maintain a relationship between a grandchild and their grandparents?”

Sharing her “strong views”, she revealed she thinks it’s always the grandparent’s responsibility to maintain the relationship and also be proactive with offering support.

“I think it’s the grandparent’s responsibility to always reach out, to be the one saying ‘well, can we help with this? Can we come and visit? Can we take them there? Is there anything you’d like me to do? Do you need some support this week? Do you need some support next week?’,” she explained.

“That’s what I do. I’m a devoted granny and I feel very strongly about this, and I don’t think kids should be the ones, your children should be the ones, that need to sort of facilitate that relationship. It’s up to the grandparents to do that.”

Whether it’s after-school care, a couple of days a week looking after tiny tots, or something even more substantial, plenty of grandparents are doing their bit – a SunLife survey from 2023 found more than half provided some form of childcare during the working week, giving up more than four hours a day on average.

But addressing those who might not have much to do with their grandkids because they plan on going on holiday or enjoying retirement, Helen continued: “And I think if grandparents are coming back with things like ‘well it’s our time now, it’s our time’… No, it’s not. It’s your time to help your kids, because it’s really difficult when your children are small and the help that you give them is so needed and it’s so appreciated …”

She ended: ”… It’s your time to be with your grandchildren and to help in every way you can – and I feel quite strongly about that.”

The post has resonated with a lot of parents. “How do I send this to my mom without sending this to my mom,” said one commenter.

“I’m so glad to hear someone say this,” added another. “My parents make very little effort and don’t reach out (but fake to the world they do) or see my children very often. I feel they should make the effort to maintain the relationship but sometimes wonder if I am wrong. So I am glad to see someone else shares my opinion.”

One parent even revealed: “My daughter’s grandmother says ‘she doesn’t contact me’. My daughter is 8.”

Even some grandparents were in agreement that the onus should be on grandparents to reach out and make the effort. “I’m the grandparent. I will always be the one to make the effort,” shared one commenter.

But others disagreed with Helen’s view. “I respectfully disagree… my kids are the grandkids’ parent therefore I think it’s important for my kids to control raising their kids,” said one grandparent. “My kids know I’m always there for backup but I never take control.”

Some noted that grandparents might still be working, which can pose challenges with how involved they can be: “Not all grandparents are retired with a healthy retirement fund! The longer the grandparents are needing to work – less time available for the grand[kids].”

Others suggested relationships are a two-way street, and it shouldn’t just be on grandparents to foster this relationship.

“Ok but hear me out,” said one respondent. “Me and my husband should also put in the effort to visit his parents and also my parents. It goes both ways.”