What Menopausal Women Bring Up Most In Sex Therapy

Therapist comment provided by licensed sexologist, relationship therapist, and author at Passionerad, Sofie Roos.

Here at HuffPost UK, we’ve written about the topics straight men and women, as well as virgins over the age of 30, bring up in sex therapy.

And this week, sexologist and therapist Sofie Roos has shared the concerns menopausal women most often bring to her.

“Almost all menopausal women I meet during sex therapy bring up their changed lust and/or decreased interest in sex,” Roos told us.

That’s partly because of the hormonal changes that happen during the life stage, including decreases in oestrogen and testosterone.

Then, there are factors like “stress, tiredness, worse sleep quality, and a changed life situation, such as children moving out,” which Roos says are common in menopause.

For some women, that makes “lust less intense, and it can feel difficult to get as turned on as before”. And for others, it can create a general loss of desire.

Vaginal dryness is a common symptom of menopause. It can make penetrative sex “uncomfortable and, for some, even painful,” the sexologist shared.

“Decreased oestrogen levels additionally affect vaginal tissue, [which] gets thinner and less elastic, which also can lead to discomfort.”

That can create a fear of sex, which, in turn, decreases drive further, she added.

Often, menopause changes people’s body composition. Roos said that the people she speaks to about menopause often notice changes to their self-esteem and body image as a result.

This “tends to lead to women feeling less attractive and less sensual, which often negatively affects how we feel in intimate situations, leading to one avoiding sex.”

Hormone changes in menopause might mean some people take longer to “get going” in the bedroom, as their levels of sensitivity change.

Roos has noticed this among her clients. “Some women find themselves in a situation where it takes longer to get turned on, or that [orgasm] feels far away and hard to get, or that it’s less intense than previously,” she shared.

“These are also all normal effects of hormonal changes and reduced blood flow to the genital area, and while it’s completely natural, it can still feel extremely frustrating, especially if you don’t understand why it’s happening.”

In Roos’ experience, “menopause often happens at the same time as other big life-changing moments.

“Couples who have been together for a long time often face intimacy issues, identity challenges are common, and on top of this, many families go from living with their kids to just being the parents left in the household – all things that already affect their [relationship to] sex.”

Roos said, “My best advice is to normalise what’s happening, and to openly talk about it with your partner”.

That way, you can largely skip past “shame, misunderstandings and pressure,” and help you to find new solutions.

“Sex during and after menopause tends to need new kinds of physical and emotional stimulation as well as more time than before, so be open to discovering new things and be responsive to how it feels,” she added.

That could mean exploring different kinds of emotional connection, extending foreplay, and/or giving new toys and positions a go.

“A great lube can be a real game changer when experiencing vaginal dryness, and a good vibrator can be what’s needed to be able to orgasm again,” the sexologist continued.

Then, there’s the “boring” stuff: investing in your relationship, eating healthily, and reducing stress where possible, while exercise “benefits blood flow to the vaginal area, but also improves mood, energy and sleep, which all boost your desire.

“Many women eventually realise that the menopause is a chance [to develop] a more relaxed, easy-going and interesting relationship with sex,” Roos ended.

“The sooner you start seeing the menopause as a chance to make the intimacy something new, the sooner you’ll be able to work [towards having] the best sex of your life after 50!”