Wings Over Scotland | The Narcissism Of No Differences

So that’s the full set of manifestos in.

You can download them all here in a oner, if you’re REALLY bored. But we don’t advise it, because we can just tell you what they say in a couple of minutes.

SNP: “If you’re even reading this we know you’re absolute idiots, so here are a load of ridiculous pie-in-the-sky promises that both you and we know we have neither the ability nor any serious intention to keep, which we could have done during the last 19 years if we’d wanted to, and which we’ll immediately forget the day after the election.”

REFORM: “Scotland cannot be a country, but it can be the most successful country in the world that isn’t really a country and can’t run its own affairs.”

LABOUR: “We’ll fix absolutely everything! Just don’t ask for any detail about how, since we won’t actually be changing any of the SNP’s policies.”

CONSERVATIVES: “Did we mention we’re against independence?”

GREENS: “We’ll chop the genitals off your kids the SECOND you look away.”

LIB DEMS: “We’ll fix all the problems in education and health and transport and the cost of living, unlike all the other parties who have promised the exact same things but in different colours. Did any of them mention potholes? Oh, all of them? Well, we’ll do potholes too.”

“And we’ll trans your children too, just like the SNP and Greens!”

And that’s pretty much it. Here’s our official best-to-worst ranking of the manifestos, based purely on how short they are and which therefore has the lowest volume of bullshit for unfortunate would-be voters to wade through.

1st place: Reform (56 pages)
2nd place: SNP (74 pages)
3rd equal: Tories, Labour (both 94 pages)
5th place: Lib Dems (96 pages)
6th place: Greens (an endurance-sapping 168 pages)

Absolutely nothing will change in Scotland after this election, not even if this happens:

Nor this, which alert readers may note is based on the exact same poll:

It’s all a gigantic waste of time, money and attention. On the upside there are just three more weeks of it to survive, readers. Then we’ll have a new Parliament, and things will really take a turn for the worse.