‘I’m a polyamorous mum – here’s how I juggle partners and parenting’

On Valentine’s morning last year, Naomi Aldwyn-Allsworth woke beside her partner, Matt, shared bubbles in bed over a breakfast of novelty chocolate boobs, then returned to her London home to spend the day with her son. 

And her other partner, Christopher. 

As a practising polyamorist – someone who has multiple partners at once – the survival and outdoor expedition specialist tells Metro that the idea of having a traditional desk job, marriage, and retiring at state pension age is her absolute ‘worst nightmare’.

Speaking over Zoom, a few days before heading to Norway to train in minus-30-degree conditions for an expedition to the South Pole, 30-year-old Naomi offers some insight into how she manages to juggle motherhood with her complex love life.

‘Non-monogamy was the primary way of navigating relationships until a few thousand years ago, so it’s surreal to me that it blows people away as this modern, crazy concept,’ she says. 

Naomi’s journey into polyamory began when she started dating Christopher at the age of 20. Going to school together in Pembrokeshire, the pair had been friends since they were 11, and have since gone on to have a son together, who is now seven. 

‘When I started dating Christopher, I realised quite quickly he wasn’t someone you date casually,’ Naomi explains. He was someone you might marry and have a family with. That scared me because I felt too young for it to be my final relationship. So we decided we could write our own rules.’

Christopher, who comes from a religious background, is happy to be monogamous, but Naomi, who is also attracted to women, began dating other people a year after she gave birth to their son, who is now seven.

‘He loved me deeply and didn’t want me to close off who I was,’ Naomi explains. ‘And I love him for that.’

Since then, she has dated other men and women, as well as married couples – at one point juggling four partners at once.  However, the mum insists, she’s only interested in relationships, not flings.

As you might imagine, life in a throuple (or more) has not always been straightforward, and it’s important to Naomi that she is open and honest with everyone involved. 

‘If I was ever wanting to take someone’s number or kiss someone, I would confirm it with a partner first so I wouldn’t cross any lines without discussing it,’ she says.

‘That first moment of becoming intimate with someone is really important. Everyone should be aware that it’s happening.’

Naomi – who has appeared on Channel 4’s Alone and worked with Bear Grylls – frequently travels internationally for work, which means she has to be ruthlessly organised to maintain her relationships.

She uses an app where all her partners – and even work colleagues – can see where she is at any given time. 

However, Naomi is clear that her son is her number one priority.

‘Managing a relationship is difficult for the average person with a normal job. Then you add my life into the mix… it is difficult,’ she says.

‘You need to be really organised with your time.

‘My son will always come first, and my career – which is very demanding –  is really important to me too. So when I’m back from trips I prioritise family time. A partner has to be aware and understanding of that, and if they can’t be, then I’m probably not the right person for them.’

Holidays can also be particularly tricky, Naomi admits.

‘At Christmas you want to do all the festive things together. But when a new relationship begins and you have those exciting butterfly feelings, you want to spend all your time together, and you can’t,’ she says.

‘So naturally you pull back in those moments when most people would jump straight in.’

In the documentary Naomi admits that there are ‘many challenges’ raising a child in a polyamorous ‘network’.

‘At themoment it’s ok. He’s too young to understand every aspect of my relationship, and there’s no need for him to -don’t understand every aspect of my parents’ relationship,’ she explains. ‘Some things stay between us and that’s also important.’

While her unconventional lifestyle may have brought many hurdles, it is something Naomi says she’s simply not prepared to compromise on.

‘[Polyamory] is going to cause rows. Naturally there will be moments of discomfort,’ she adds.

‘But there’s so much care, openness and transparency in this kind of relationship that you learn to talk through everything. You end up having conversations that many monogamous couples wouldn’t dare to enter into.’

When Naomi told friends and family about her relationship status, they were at first taken aback, with some being judgmental. 

‘I think it was mainly because we have a son, the concerns were around the impact on him. But over the years, they have seen how my partners and I put him first,’ she says.

Naomi is sharing her story in the documentary Love Without Limits: Polyamory and Me, which follows the rocky path of her relationships as she divides her time between Christopher, Matt – a partner who moved from America to be with her – and married couple Mollie and Connor, whose own family are unaware of the arrangement.

Christopher tells the film that their relationship has not always been simple.

‘It’s easier to say there are different partners and there’s more love… The reality is, logistically it can be horrific,’ he admits.

The dad explains that before any partner meets Barnaby, he must meet them several times first – befriend them, almost.

‘With us, you can see that a new partner gives Naomi something very different to what I can give her,’ he says, explaining why he is open to her having different experiences with different people.

‘The fact we can go through that and still be happy for each other is beautiful. You’re giving your partner something that you can’t give them yourself.

‘I’m not jealous. There’s another side to loving someone. I’m just happy to be part of Naomi’s life and see how she chooses to live it. There’s sacrifice for both of us. It’s a juggling act,’ he says.

In the documentary, Naomi explains that being raped at the age of 15, is the reason she is reluctant to clip her own wings in her personal life.

‘I wanted to show myself that I was okay and that I could love and be intimate with people while still feeling safe,’ she says. ‘I never wanted something like [the assault] to stop me from having a full life.’

The film also captures difficult moments within Naomi’s relationships, including discussions about when Barnaby should first stay at Matt’s home with her, and a tense argument between the couple about Naomi not having enough time for him.

During the documentary, the pair have ended their relationship, and Naomi was seen talking about meeting someone new.

Viewers also learn that she and Christopher also ended their romantic ties as their relationship became more ‘platonic’. Currently, they continue to live together so they can co-parent their son, moving from their two-bed into a three so they can date other people.

‘Nothing terrible happened in our relationship for us to stop being together romantically,’ Naomi insists. ‘It just shifted and adjusted. We still have a lot of love for one another and want to maintain a happy, healthy home.’

She admits that introducing new partners can bring tension.

‘If someone goes on a new date it can add a little bit of spikiness to our conversations that day,’ she says. ‘But you just work your way through it.’

For now, Naomi says she is enjoying the balance. She and Christopher remain close, and Barnaby is growing up in a happy and supportive home. 

His school is aware of their family arrangement and has been understanding.

‘With Barnaby, we focus on love, honesty and family, and explain how a number of families look different and it’s okay for your family structure not to be the traditional mum, dad and children,’ she says. ‘This is just another way, and that it’s more people to love and to love him in return.

‘Every partner I’m with brings a different kind of energy,’ Naomi adds. ‘For me, it’s not about one person ticking every box. That’s an impossible pressure to put on one partner.

‘But if you spread that load a little bit, I think that’s really healthy.’

Cariad Heb Ffiniau: Poliamoir a Fi (Love Without Limits: Polyamory and Me) airs on 24 March at 9pm on S4C and iPlayer.

MORE: Ruth Jones: ‘I thought Pride and Prejudice was nonsense – then something clicked’

MORE: ‘I lead BBC’s Pride and Prejudice spin-off – I hope people give it a chance’

MORE: ‘The day my dad died, I set off to row 3,000 miles across the Atlantic’