Why You Can’t Get Over Your Toxic Ex (And What To Do About It)

We all know that Wuthering Heights is not about a love that we should aspire to, right? We know that their bond was eventually very toxic, that they mistreated each other and everybody around them, and it ended anything but happily ever after.

All of that being said, watching Emerald Fennell’s take on the novel can definitely remind you of a certain ex. Not the one you had an amicable split with, not the ‘fun summer fling’. No. This ex is the one that you had the senselessly passionate relationship with. Everything was aflame and when it ended, you went no-contact. Probably because your friends begged you to.

It’s not romantic but it’s definitely alluring: the thrill of the chase, the passion between you, the way they took up residence in your head and squeezed into every thought… they’re pretty unforgettable, probably quite toxic, and seeing a highly stylised version on-screen with this blockbuster can easily reignite certain memories.

On paper it should be easy, but getting over this kind of ex is not simple, much like the bond itself – as divorce coach Carol Madden notes on Medium: toxic relationships take longer to heal from than healthier ones.

Speaking to Business Insider, relationship expert Jessica Alderson explained that these kind of relationships are a bit like an addiction, saying: “They are often characterised by extreme highs, during which relationships seem perfect and magical, followed by crashing lows, which are usually caused by a partner pulling away or acting out – this can make people feel alive.”

Once the relationship finally ends, your body can still crave this unpredictability. She added: “The emotional rollercoaster can make it harder to move on and accept that the relationship wasn’t meant to be.”

Clinical psychologist Dr Ruth Ann Harpur suggested that after a relationship breaks down, people will naturally try to seek answers about where it all went wrong – and while it’s a “crucial step” in the early moments of the breakup, it’s important not to keep going over every detail of the relationship and your ex’s behaviour.

If you get stuck ruminating, you become “tied to the past” and end up reliving the pain, she suggested. So, her advice is to: “Understand that ruminating on past abuses may feel safe but it keeps you from living fully in the present and building healthier relationships.”

She also urges people to focus on activities they really enjoy to keep busy and connect with themselves again, and to open themselves to new friendships and relationships.

Experts at Calm have a guide to getting over a relationship with advice that includes:

• Clearing out physical reminders of them.
• Allowing yourself to feel your feelings.
• Limiting or cutting contact with them, including on social media.
• Setting new goals.
• And seeking therapy.

It isn’t easy, but you can move on.