TV
Anything tougher than privates on parade and John goes to pieces… his SAS: WDW exit has done us all a public service
ALL-singing, all-dancing, celebrity flasher John Barrowman exited public life this week, not with the flourish and round of applause he’d probably have wanted.
But with a puddle of vomit at his feet and the words “sack of s**t” ringing in his ears as he quit Channel 4’s Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins just 32 minutes after the latest contestants had reached their base in New Zealand.
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This self-styled “centre of the universe” was back on Lorraine’s ITV show the next morning trying to explain that he’d been “true to himself” and blah blah blah.
Barrowman knew, though, that if there’s one thing the long-suffering British won’t forgive, it’s a quitter who shuns redemption.
He’s gone. It was public service broadcasting, then, of the highest and most brutal order from SAS: WDW, a show that, to paraphrase the great Johnny Carson on the Oscars, is 45 minutes of sparkling entertainment spread over an hour-long show.
First clue to the 15-minute lag arrived, right at the start of this series, with the appearance of a psychologist named Alia Bojilova, who specialises in declarations of the bleeding obvious and telling us the new celebrities are: “A complicated bunch.”
READ MORE ON JOHN BARROWMAN
I’ll say. For “complicated”, though, you can probably guess that, with the exception of the sports stars, they are every sort of pointless, bone-brained public nuisance, from Boris’s steely-eyed sister Rachel Johnson to “comedian” Tez Ilyas, whose opening pitch asked us to “imagine the smugness that would emanate from me if I passed this course”.
Or indeed, even if he didn’t, because his self- satisfaction levels were radioactive long before it started.
Corbynista Tez, incidentally, used to sit on something called the Live Comedy Association but had to quit in 2020 due to his appalling behaviour towards women.
Yet the slightly surprising thing is, neither Tez nor Barrowman, whose flashing got him cancelled in 2021, is the most obviously annoying contestant on SAS: WDW.
How could they be, when there are no fewer than three recruits who’ve come through the ranks of The Only Way Is Essex — a show that, like red-necked parakeets, has infested every single corner of British television, so that almost no part is now free from their squawking self- obsession.
By far the worst of them here is Bobby Norris, whose act is pitched somewhere between Mick Jagger and Frank Spencer, and during the brief moments when he wasn’t vomiting into a bin-liner made a noise that appeared in the subtitles as: “NEEEEEEEEEE.”
He’d have failed every single challenge set for him by the SAS staff as well but for the emergence of an even bigger pain in the ar*e called Marnie Simpson, from Geordie Shore, who made the huge strategic error of back-chatting regiment legend Billy Billinghm after losing the dam descent to Bobby on account of the fact she “couldn’t breathe”.
“If you talk back to me one more time,” said Billy, leaving no one in any doubt he’d act upon it, “you’re going to become amphibious. I’m going to throw you in the f***ing water. F***ing spoilt little kid. Buck your ideas up, gobs***e.”
Bone-brained
The stunned silence that followed should’ve won the show awards as you could almost hear the great mass of viewers applauding Billy, the first man ever to put Marnie in her place.
It’s at this point, though, you got the sense that the SAS boys took a backwards step, TV people took over and Marnie was called in for “questioning” to see why she challenges authority (see earlier).
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These are not the brutal encounters in SAS: WDW of yore, however.
They are now shoulders to cry on and an invitation for the celebrities to unburden themselves of every minor “mental health” set-back in life they’ve ever suffered.
It’s exactly the sort of cliched comfort zone, in other words, from which I thought the show was meant to be removing these cry babies, and I’ve no idea why SAS: WDW indulges them as there isn’t a single gap anywhere in the TV market for Z-list sob stories.
Salvation through tears is the last thing that’s needed here, in fact, with the ultimate goal surely being to vanish most of the contestants just as effectively as it removed John Barrowman who, last time I looked, was trying to talk up his tour of Britain, on Lorraine’s show.
“It’s me and a piano.”
No audience. Just John and a piano.
Random TV irritations
CHANNEL 4’s utterly repellent Married At First Sight reducing marriage to the status of a mystery counter on Tipping Point.
The Great British Bake Off wasting 90 minutes of everyone’s time with an elimination-free opening episode. Anyone who talks about their “love language” (shut up).
And Nightsleeper’s “hero” Joe claiming: “The police are going to be on the train in five minutes. This is almost over.” When there were still 315 minutes to go. The sadistic sod.
GC? IT’S MUMBA JUMBA
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FILLING the screen like a diabetic Honey Monster, Gemma Collins boldly announced that last night was time to find out: “Why I am the way I am.
“Because, at the moment, it feels like I’m from outer space.”
A development that might’ve ruled out intelligent life on Mars but would definitely have led to a more interesting episode of BBC1’s Who Do You Think You Are?, which rather lost me when The Brentwood Behemoth revealed: “I’ve got a lot of family in Wales” and I realised she was talking about the country rather than the animals.
The wider problem here, of course, is that, like so much else on the BBC, WDYTYA has been sacrificed to the cult of youth and fashionable political issues, like mental health, slavery and the excesses of the British Empire, with The GC’s episode being no different.
As interesting as it ever got, in fact, was the discovery of a “schizophrenic” grand-mother, on her maternal side and a great-grand- father “who was ill with lumba . . . jumba, help me aaaaht?”
“Lumbago.”
Nearly an hour later, it emerged that, for all the accompanying wows, Gemma’s Essex-based family had barely moved 20 miles down the A12, over several hundred years, having first crawled out of the primordial swamp at a pace that could not have been better named or serviced.
“Foulness Island,” explained narrator Phil Davis, “is owned by the Ministry of Defence.
“It’s used for the testing of explosives, so access is restricted, but Gemma has been given a special invite.”
And as far as I’m concerned, can visit any time she likes.
Great sporting insights
LES FERDINAND: “Not playing well is a sign of a good team.”
Neil Warnock: “Liverpool’s midweek win was the perfect anecdote to last week’s defeat.” And Simon Thomas: “Only one word can describe the weather at the King Power – absolute filth.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “The word memorandum is often abbreviated to what four-letter word?” Phil: “Mem.”
Bradley Walsh: “To remain calm and be prepared for an emergency is said to keep your powder . . . ?” Namuli: “Wet.”
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “The word used to refer to land on the edge of a sea . . . SHORE . . . is an anagram of which equine animal?”
Bill: “Beach.”
And my favourite answer of the week, Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “In the 1980s, Jocky Wilson, John Lowe and Keith Deller all won the world championship in what indoor sport?”
Emma: “Cycling.”
TV gold
THE return of BBC2’s fascinating Parole series. BBC1’s Ludwig, with David Mitchell, which burst brilliantly to life after 35 minutes and really should be broadcast on a Sunday night.
River Cartwright’s chase scenes on the superb Apple TV+ series Slow Horses.
Mortimer and Whitehouse nailing the blueprint for all enduring middle-aged male friendships on BBC2’s Gone Fishing: A shared obsession, trivia, Eighties pop nostalgia, Fast Show impressions and health worries.
And breathless comedian Chris McCausland putting one of the judges firmly in his place after charming the nation senseless, with his partner Dianne Buswell, on Strictly Come Dancing: “Craig, I’m literally too knackered to care.”
Lookalike of the week
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Sent in by Arthur Godfrey, of Aylesford, Kent.
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TV
The Outrun film review: This raw addiction story featuring standout star Saoirse Ronan feels scarily real
THE OUTRUN
(15) 118mins
★★★★★
“IT never gets easy… it just gets less hard,” is the advice recovering alcoholic Rona (Saoirse Ronan) is given in this adaptation of Amy Liptrot’s best-selling memoir.
We first meet this intriguing character when she is living with her kind, God-fearing mum on the remote island of Orkney in Scotland.
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The last two inches of Rona’s hair are bright blue, showing that a previous life of wild times and hedonistic nights may be growing out of her.
She works alone on the family farm while listening to dance tracks on her headphones and downing cans of full-fat Coke.
There’s something manic about her while doing the smallest of tasks.
She’s like a coiled spring, ready to shoot off any minute.
She is clever, fun and full of energy.
We soon see why. In various flashbacks, we follow a fully blue-haired Rona in London, living with boyfriend Daynin (Paapa Essiedu) and studying to be a scientist.
But she carries her demons, with the devil on her shoulder, alcohol.
As the flashbacks continue, we are shown more distressing examples of how Rona poured booze all over her lovely life and then just lit a match.
She is self-destructive and sometimes violent.
She falls into a canal, and puts herself in some terrifyingly risky situations.
It all feels scarily real.
Daynin, who clearly adores her, has his patience pushed to the limit and — as many who have dealt with addicts know — he finally realises there is nothing he can do.
Change has to come from her.
And then it does, when she wakes up in a hospital.
We then see her at Alcoholics Anonymous, where she shares her tales with other survivors.
All this is juxtaposed with Rona living her solitary life in the freezing weather of the Scottish Isles with not even a TV to distract her from herself.
Director Nora Fingscheidt gives this drama a steady hand, allowing the character of Rona to breathe without becoming a cliché.
It is raw and very real, perfectly balancing the monotony and frustration of recovery with the joy and hope it can bring.
The backdrop of the Scottish landscape is sublime, leaving you craving fresh air and the chill on your face.
The standout star though is Saoirse’s understated, outstanding performance.
She truly is something to behold.
Film news
LEAD villain in DC’s Supergirl will be Matthias Schoenaerts.
MARGO ROBBIE and Jacob Elordi will lead Emerald Fennell’s Wuthering Heights.
DWAYNE JOHNSON and Chris Evans team up in Christmas comedy Red One, out November.
MEGALOPOLIS
(15) 138mins
★★☆☆☆
KNOWN for his Mafia movie The Godfather, director Francis Ford Coppola invested over £100million of his own money in this futuristic feature inspired by ancient Rome.
Premiered at Cannes Film Festival in May, it is set in a decaying metropolis where architect Cesar Catilina (Adam Driver) is granted power to rebuild it with a new invention, as a sustainable Utopia.
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His nemesis Mayor Franklyn Cicero (Giancarlo Esposito) seeks to thwart his plans.
Caught between them is the mayor’s daughter Julia (Game Of Thrones star Nathalie Emmanuel) who seeks her own path to happiness.
But Coppola’s attempt to tackle big ideas about humanity falls flat, with a bloated, confusing mess almost impossible to sit through.
The lead actors do their best but can’t save this overstuffed, overcrowded, downright ridiculous movie.
The most pretentious film ever? Probably not, but a contender.
Even with a star-studded secondary cast featuring Aubrey Plaza, Shia LaBeouf and Jon Voight, this vanity project is sure to leave viewers scratching their heads and more than a bit bored.
Linda Marric
MY OLD ASS
(15) 89mins
★★★★☆
YOUTH is wasted on the young, right?
In this whip-smart coming-of-age comedy, we follow 18-year-old Elliott Labrant (Maisy Stella) who one day has a strange encounter with her 39-year-old self (Aubrey Plaza).
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Older Elliott arrives just as younger Elliott is indulging in some potent mushrooms on her birthday.
Wise words and life lessons ensue, most of which young, carefree Elliott naturally dismisses.
The teen just wants to leave her life on her family’s farm in a Canadian harbour town and like most kids her age, is focused on hanging with her mates, exploring her sexuality and eye-rolling at her mum.
But when older Elliott tells her to “stay away from anyone called Chad”, she tries to take it on board, especially when a farm help called Chad (Percy Hynes White) arrives and Elliott promptly falls in love.
No clear explanation is given as to how older Elliott can travel in time.
The film also doesn’t bother with negative consequences to sexual promiscuity or light drug use, which is refreshing.
The result is a charming, edgy film that will make you laugh and cry.
❌ El Cantante del Guetto junto al Bendito 👉 https://youtu.be/XEdP5DJxY4A ♪ LETRA BLESSD QUIEN TV ♪
( Andan sueltas…)
Andan sueltas y locas
Un trio de amigas que los fines se topa
Toman champaña y lo mezclan con mota
El polvo rosa le sube la nota y nos vemos en el after después…
(Coro)
Mira como lo mueve
Una peli que no sale ni en tele
Dice que es santa pero ahora quién te ve
Sale un viernes y regresa un jueves
Adicta a la fiesta..
Mira como lo mueve
Una peli que no sale ni en tele
Dice que es santa pero ahora quién te ve
Sale un viernes y regresa un jueves
Le gustan las piquis, le gustan las tachas
Y mantiene en fiestas siempre de guaracha
A todos los despacha, nunca se descacha
Valenciaga y Gucci siempre es su facha
Se enfoca en su nalga y después va el flash
Todos esos chavos, son del Only Fans
Al culo el cabello, es una pervertida
Y cuando está en cuatro es una melodía (Maaa)
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(Coro)
Mira como lo mueve
Una peli que no sale ni en tele
Dice que es santa pero ahora quién te ve
Sale un viernes y regresa un Jueves
Adicta a la fiesta..
Mira como lo mueve
Una peli que no sale ni en tele
Dice que es santa pero ahora quién te ve
Sale un viernes y regresa un jueves
Tú sabes que conmigo no hay regreso mujer
Dime que tú quiere y te lo mando a traer
Si quieres nos vamos bebé en el Mercedes Benz
Dame un besito en la boca yo te quiero entretener
Están sueltas y locas cuando llega el fin de semana
Finca sin ropa, dime mami y yo llamo a mi pana (Cajita)
Para hacerlo como lo hicimos aquella vez
Cuando me llamaste y me dijiste que hay pa’ hacer
Se que les gusto y se le nota
Por eso andan sueltas y locas
(Coro)
Mira como lo mueve
Una peli que no sale ni en tele
Dice que es santa pero ahora quién te ve
Sale un viernes y regresa un Jueves
Adicta a la fiesta..
Mira como lo mueve
Una peli que no sale ni en tele
Dice que es santa pero ahora quién te ve
Sale un viernes y regresa un jueves
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7th Heaven stars Beverley Mitchell, David Gallagher and Mackenzie Rosman have spoken out about the “inexcusable” behavior of their former co-star Stephen Collins.
The actors, who portrayed three of Collins’s seven TV children on the hit family drama, addressed his past sexual abuse scandal on the latest episode of their 7th Heaven rewatch podcast, Catching Up With The Camdens.
“We want you to know that we see all of your comments and we know how excited you all are for the rewatch, but before we get into that we do think it’s important that we say something about Stephen Collins,” began Mitchell, 43, who played the headstrong Lucy Camden.
The trio first launched the rewatch podcast back in July; however, the September 23 episode marks the first where they revisited the show’s pilot to share behind-the-scenes memories.
Gallagher, 39, who starred as conscientious Simon Camden, continued: “All forms of abuse, sexual abuse of any kind, it’s inexcusable. And victims of abuse need to be shown compassion and they should be given support.”
“As we rewatch these episodes, it would be impossible not to talk about Stephen because he was such a big part of the show and our lives,” added Rosman, 34, who played spunky Ruthie Camden. She went on to clarify that none of them had “any inappropriate experiences with Stephen.”
Mitchell assured listeners that Collins will not be joining the podcast. “We do not excuse or condone his behavior. Our hope for this podcast is to reconnect with you, our fans, to relive some Ninetiess nostalgia and to share our fondest memories of 7th Heaven,” she said.
“We know this is difficult and we understand that it can be triggering,” Gallagher said. “But we want to say that we love you guys and we are so grateful for all the love and support that you, our community, have shown to us. So, hopefully you guys will stick with us as we continue on this journey.”
In 2014, Collins, who starred as Reverend Eric Camden in the 11-season drama that aired on The WB (now the CW) from 1996 to 2007, admitted to inappropriate sexual misconduct with three underage girls between 1973 and 1994.
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“Forty years ago, I did something terribly wrong that I deeply regret. I have been working to atone for it ever since,” he shared in a statement at the time. “I’ve decided to address these issues publicly because two months ago, various news organizations published a recording made by my then-wife, Faye Grant, during a confidential marriage therapy session in January, 2012. This session was recorded without the therapist’s or my knowledge or consent.”
He was subsequently dropped by his talent agency, and 7th Heaven reruns were pulled from two networks. Collins did not end up being prosecuted for his alleged crimes.
During an interview with Katie Couric at the time, he blamed his actions on “poor impulse control” but maintained: “I am not attracted to underage girls.”
Collins hasn’t acted since 2014, with his final credit being the voice of Howard Stark in a single episode of the animated series Avengers Assemble.
If you have been raped or sexually assaulted, you can contact your nearest Rape Crisis organisation for specialist, independent and confidential support. For more information, visit their website here.
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MAFS UK fans have accused one star of faking her feelings for TV after they made a shocking U-turn.
They returned to the E4 experiment tonight after walking out on her husband on their honeymoon.
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She also skipped the first dinner party of the series and left him to break the news to their co-stars.
But tonight, Richelle stunned her husband as she made a surprise return, walking into the apartment and telling Orson: “Listen, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
He turned away from the cameras and appeared to be too overcome with emotion to speak.
Orson eventually said: “Richelle, what are you doing to me?
“In my head I was like, ‘she’s done’.”
Harsh viewers didn’t have much sympathy and one said: “So Richelle back is she? She’s probably only doing it for TV exposure.”
Another said: “I don’t trust this Rochelle at ALL! She called him fake but nope, I think it’s her that’s fake!”
And one more chimed: “Richelle seems like a different person.”
Before quitting their honeymoon, Richelle confessed she struggled to process her emotions and found it difficult to believe that Orson was genuine when he told her he had feelings for her.
She was seen breaking down in tears during the intense scenes in Mauritius.
Explaining what happened, the businesswoman told Orson tonight: “I have a tendency to run when I feel stressed.
“I felt like I needed to pull away, it was getting too much.
“I went home and I spoke to a couple of friends, I was able to process my thoughts and put everything in perspective.
“I can’t deny like, I do like you. I’m really sorry. I feel really bad.”
Explaining what happened in a chat with the cameras, Richelle said: “I had a blip, I had a wobbly, as they say, ‘pressure bursts pipes’ and my pipes burst.”
The pair later faced their blip in the commitment ceremony, and she told the experts: “He’s a lot more comfortable talking about his feelings. I’m a lot more reserved.”
She added: “I guess I always want to dig deeper, like, why? I guess, just how genuine he is.
“It’s so early on, and I’ve been single for so long. And doing it all in the spotlight, with the cameras.”
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