The word ‘narcissist’ has become increasingly common in everyday conversation, often used to describe someone who’s arrogant, controlling or completely wrapped up in their own self-importance.
But true narcissistic behaviour goes far beyond a big ego or heaps of confidence.
It can leave a lasting emotional impact on the people closest to them, damaging relationships and slowly chipping away at a person’s self-esteem.
With that said, it’s worth noting that displaying narcissistic tendencies is not the same as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a fairly uncommon mental health condition that affects between one and five per cent of the UK population.
Even so, someone doesn’t need a formal diagnosis to display behaviours that are manipulative, emotionally draining and relentlessly self-focused.
In many cases, it’s these repeated patterns of behaviour that can be the most harmful.
According to intuitive psychologist and best-selling author of You Are What You Feel, Dr. Carmen Harra, an endless need for admiration, a lack of empathy and a constant craving for control are among the biggest warning signs.
Over time, those behaviours can leave partners, family members, friends and even colleagues feeling emotionally exhausted, doubting themselves and questioning their own reality.
There are ten tell-tale signs to look out for, that could help protect your wellbeing from a potential narcissist before the relationship itself becomes increasingly damaging…
Pictured: Meryl Streep as narcissistic Runway editor Miranda Priestly (left) in The Devil Wears Prada, which also stars Anne Hathaway as her underling, Andy Sachs (right)
They’re charming
Narcissists often make a striking – and brilliant – first impression.
They’re charismatic, confident and know exactly how to make people feel special – at least in the beginning. That charm can make it harder to spot manipulative behaviours that may emerge later.
Dr. Carmen warned: ‘This “idealisation” phase can be intoxicating. But once your trust and emotional investment deepen, the dynamic gradually begins to shift.
‘Warmth gives way to criticism, manipulation or emotional distance. The charming public persona remains intact, while the private version paints a starkly different portrait.
‘If someone seems almost too perfect in the early stages, pay close attention to whether their actions remain consistent once the initial excitement begins to fade.’
They target empathetic and vulnerable people
People with narcissistic traits are often drawn to those who are kind, compassionate and eager to help.
They may also seek out people going through a difficult time, knowing they’re more likely to overlook red flags or put someone’s needs before their own.
Dr. Carmen said: ‘Empathetic people naturally give others the benefit of the doubt.
‘They believe people can change, overlook questionable behaviour, and frequently prioritise harmony over confrontation. These qualities are admirable, but in the wrong relationship, they can become vulnerabilities.’
The psychologist further warned that narcissists tend to sense ’emotional attachment’, giving them ample room to exert control through ‘guilt, criticism, or intermittent affection’, offering just enough validation to keep the relationship alive…
They crave control
Whether it’s making decisions, controlling conversations or dictating how others behave, narcissists often need to feel in charge.
When they lose that sense of control, they may become defensive, angry or resort to manipulation to regain it.
According to Dr. Carmen, relationships with a narcissist often become less about partnership and more about power.
She added: ‘They may attempt to influence your decisions, isolate you from friends and family, dictate how you spend your time or subtly undermine your independence.
‘Isolation is particularly concerning. If someone consistently encourages you to distance yourself from the people who love and support you, ask yourself whether they’re protecting the relationship, or their control over you.’
They gaslight you
Gaslighting is a common tactic used to make someone question their own memory, judgement or reality.
Over time, those who fall victim of it may find themselves apologising for things they didn’t do or doubting events they know happened.
According to Dr. Carmen, this is a classic tactic used by narcissists, who may say things like, ‘That never happened,[‘ ‘You’re imagining things,’ ‘You’re too sensitive,’ or even, ‘You’re the narcissist’.
She continued: ‘Repeated often enough, these statements can leave you questioning yourself rather than recognising the manipulation taking place.
‘If you routinely leave conversations feeling confused or apologising for things you know you didn’t do, trust your instincts. Persistent self-doubt is often a sign that your reality is being subtly distorted.’
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Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists to make someone question their own memory, judgement or reality (Pictured: Jennifer Lawrence and Javier Bardem in MOTHER!)
They lack accountability
Owning up to mistakes rarely comes naturally to a narcissist. Instead, they may shift the blame, make excuses, twist the scenario or even cast themselves as the victim so someone else ends up taking responsibility.
Dr. Carmen said: ‘Lying, cheating, breaking promises, or exploiting others may all be justified because, in the mind of a narcissist, their desires outweigh everyone else’s needs. Without accountability, genuine growth becomes extraordinarily difficult.’
They emotionally exhaust you
Relationships or connections with narcissists can often feel like an emotional rollercoaster.
Constant drama, criticism, and unpredictability can leave you feeling drained, anxious, doubtful, hopeless and generally feel as though you’re walking on eggshells.
Dr. Carmen warned: ‘Our emotions often recognise danger long before our rational minds do.
‘Yet many people remain in unhealthy relationships because of cognitive dissonance, the psychological discomfort that arises when reality conflicts with what we desperately want to believe.
‘Pay attention to the emotions that repeatedly surface in the relationship. More often than not, they reveal truths your conscious mind has not yet fully accepted.’
They exploit to get ahead
Narcissists often see relationships as transactional – whether it’s using someone’s time, connections, money or emotional support.
They often tend to prioritise what benefits them only – even if it comes at someone else’s expense or pain.
In this case, it’s worth observing how they interact with family members, coworkers, service workers and strangers.
Dr. Carmen added: ‘Do they manipulate, belittle, criticise, gossip about, or take advantage of others whenever it serves their interests?
‘A narcissist’s primary objective is often to obtain what they want, regardless of the emotional cost to those around them. Healthy people occasionally behave selfishly. Narcissists make selfishness an everyday way of relating to the world.’
They struggle to maintain healthy relationships
While they may have plenty of acquaintances, narcissists often find it difficult to build lasting, balanced relationships.
Due to a combination of conflict, manipulation and a lack of mutual respect, friendships and romances can become strained and eventually break down.
Dr. Carmen added: ‘Conflicts become competitions rather than conversations. Apologies become scarce. Your needs gradually become secondary to others.
The psychologist further noted that it may be worth considering if the narcissist is the ‘common denominator’ if every relationship in their life has ended dramatically or in betrayal – or if their usual conclusion is that the other person is ‘crazy’.
Their ego rules over their empathy
A narcissist’s need for admiration and validation often outweighs their ability to consider how others might feel.
This could lead to them dismissing other people’s emotions, particularly if they get in the way of their own wants or self-image.
Dr. Carmen said: ‘Ironically, this exaggerated sense of superiority frequently conceals profound insecurity. Many narcissists are driven by an underlying fear of inadequacy.
‘To protect themselves from feeling inferior, they relentlessly seek admiration, validation, status, and control. The louder the ego, the more fragile it is beneath the surface.’
They have a victim mentality
Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, it’s a common paradox for narcissists to portray or even perceive themselves as the injured party.
Dr. Carmen noted: ‘They may believe others are jealous of them, fail to appreciate them, or have treated them unfairly.’
By casting themselves as the victim, they may avoid accountability while gaining sympathy and shifting blame onto others, and, as Dr. Carmen puts it, ‘rewriting the narrative so that they remain the misunderstood protagonist whose intentions were always good’.
Even when they’re clearly in the wrong, it’s a common paradox for narcissists to portray or even perceive themselves as the injured party
How to Cope With a Narcissist
While recognising narcissistic behaviour is the first step, the next – and most challenging – step is to learn how to protect yourself from harm.
Dr. Carmen’s first top is to set firm boundaries and ensure there is no ‘weak wall’ for a narcissist to invade.
Her second word of advice is to passively accept their version of reality, as attempting to convince a narcissist that they’re wrong more often than not results in conflict.
She also advised to refrain from ‘fixing’ the person, as they may only become capable of change if they genuinely acknowledge their behaviour and choose to seek help.
As well as prioritising your own emotional well-being, it helps to stay connected with trusted friends, family members, or a therapist while the narcissist is still present in your life.
The psychologist concluded: ‘ Know when to walk away. Not every relationship can or should be saved.
‘If someone repeatedly manipulates, controls, or emotionally abuses you despite your best efforts to establish healthy limits, leaving may be the healthiest and most courageous decision you can make.
‘Narcissists rarely announce themselves. They often arrive wrapped in charm, confidence, and charisma. But over time, manipulation replaces authenticity, control replaces connection, and emotional exhaustion replaces love.’
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