Most of us spend months dreaming about our summer holiday. We imagine lazy breakfasts, sunset walks, laughter by the pool, quality time with the one we love.
Yet for many couples, the reality could not be more different.
After 30 years as a divorce lawyer, I’ve learnt that for midlife couples already in rocky marriages, summer holidays can often expose relationship cracks which might have been hiding in plain sight back home.
January might be known as ‘divorce month’ because of the spike in inquiries we lawyers get after Christmas, but I’m not so sure – I’m always busy after the summer break.
Holiday tensions often hit hardest – and most devastatingly – at midlife. Recent figures suggest later-life divorce is continuing to rise with splits among women aged 65 and over increasing by a staggering 38 per cent in the past decade.
Many couples slowly drift apart over the years but an antagonistic holiday really can shine a spotlight on differences and conflict that can suddenly seem insurmountable.
The good news is that most holiday tensions and flashpoints are preventable. In fact, a week or two away without the distractions of home can provide the perfect canvas for rest and repair. Holidays give us something we rarely have: time.
Here are a few of the biggest holiday flashpoints with my expert nuggets of advice for how to make sure this year’s holiday strengthens your marriage – and doesn’t destroy it…
After 30 years as a divorce lawyer, Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart has learnt that summer holidays can expose relationship cracks which might have been hiding in plain sight back home
While couples may want different things from a trip, Sheela says expecting your partner to enjoy your perfect holiday can be a recipe for resentment
Holiday hostage?
If one of you is itching to explore local markets, churches and museums, or to hike through forests when the other is longing to chill by the pool, downtime incompatibility can be a big trigger for tension.
We all want different things from a trip but expecting your partner to enjoy your perfect holiday can be a recipe for resentment.
Trouble starts to build when one of you is forced to swallow their disappointment and you can end up feeling like a hostage to someone else’s perfect plans.
If tensions do boil over into a blazing row you need to know this conflict likely has less to do with sightseeing and more to do with years of feeling unseen, unheard or unvalued. Holidays just bring it all to a head.
Divorce-proof tip:
Many couples believe they should spend every minute together but ironically, the happiest couples often don’t. So talk about holiday expectations before you pack your suitcases and have a simple planning conversation.
Agree that every day will include:
- One activity you choose;
- One activity they choose;
- One activity together.
That way, neither of you spends the holiday feeling you’re living someone else’s dream.
No sex please
Many couples pack far more ‘sexpectations’ than swimwear in their suitcase, hoping a romantic setting, time away from the pressures of home, a few drinks and sunshine will revive a flagging sex life.
But if you’ve spent months trying to wriggle out of intimate contact, a change of scenery won’t be enough to suddenly reignite the sexual spark.
You’ll have little left in the tank for erotica if you’ve had to do all the planning, packing, organising and looking after everyone else. And it’s hardly surprising that, by bedtime – even if you are between sheets you haven’t had to launder – sleep is likely to be far more appealing than sex.
But for some people the unexpected holiday sex drought can be a final straw.
Divorce-proof tip:
Feeling loved and appreciated is often the biggest aphrodisiac of all – whether you’re on holiday or not.
The best sex often starts with how you make each other feel long before bedtime, so aim to build intimacy throughout the day.
Kiss before leaving your room. Hold hands strolling along the beach. Hug properly (holding on for six seconds – at least).
Holidays are the perfect time to kickstart affectionate habits and daily rituals that build emotional closeness and which you can continue at home.
The sound of silence
We’ve all seen those couples sitting opposite each other in the hotel restaurant in awkward silence and wondered how on earth their relationship can survive.
The truth is, it probably won’t.
At home we are surrounded by conversational triggers – house bills, work, TV, the kids – but when it’s just the two of you side-by-side on a sunbed all day, it can be so much harder to get the chat going.
The problem isn’t that you’ve run out of things to say, it is much more likely to be that you’ve forgotten how to be curious about each other.
This is one of the saddest stories I hear: a holiday can reveal something you might not have noticed – that you’ve quietly drifted apart.
The long pauses and awkward silences can breed the unsettling thought: ‘If this what two weeks together feels like, how will we survive retirement?’
Divorce-proof tip:
Use the holiday to become curious and interested in each other again. Ask the questions that you stopped asking (write this list down on a piece of paper and take it on holiday with you).
- What’s one thing you’d love us to do more of together?
- What would make the next year amazing?
- What’s one dream we’ve never made time for?
- What was your favourite part about today?
- What are you most looking forward to about going home?
When you do get home, aim to make one meaningful question part of your Sunday morning coffee ritual or evening walk.
Five minutes of curiosity can prevent years of emotional drift.
Flashing the cash
One of you is happily ordering fancy cocktails, booking boat trips and upgrading to lobster for dinner while the other is sneaking a breakfast roll into their bag for lunch and squirrelling away the mini soap and shampoo.
In my work in the divorce trenches, I can tell you that money is one of the biggest relationship stressors and one of the biggest causes of divorce.
And holidays expose and magnify different attitudes to money in a big way.
If you find you are stressing or bickering about money on holiday you can be sure this isn’t about the price of the Whispering Angel rose wine.
It’s about something much deeper – your different attitudes towards cash, financial security, trust, control and the painful suspicion that one person is carrying the heavier burden of worrying about the bills alone.
I’ve seen marriages end after blazing rows over holiday bills when one partner feels controlled, criticised or guilty whenever they spend money and the other feels anxious and resentful of a partner who they perceive as financially reckless.
Divorce-proof tip:
Agree a realistic holiday budget. Talk upfront about flights, hotels, meals, drinks, excursions and shopping. It may not sound very romantic, but it’s far more so than spending the journey home arguing about money – and if you’re not bickering about cash, you’ll be saving money on your lawyer’s bill.
Airport incompatibility
Divorce lawyer and relationship coach Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart is the author of the How To Stay Together: 12 Daily Habits To Strengthen Your Relationship, set for release in January
There’s a great TV advert doing the rounds where a young couple, recently engaged, are waiting at the airport for their flight to be called. The minute the gate opens, the man jumps up, keen to be first in the queue, leaving the woman – who clearly prefers the ‘stay in your seat until the last minute to avoid the queue to board the plane’ philosophy – to start to seriously question their relationship compatibility.
Holiday travel brings out fundamental differences in behaviour like this, something many couples might never have noticed before.
At the mildest level these differing preferences can be irritating but left to fester undiscussed, your airport habits can jeopardise your relationship.
Travel can act like a pressure cooker and airport rows can reveal and heighten underlying differences in priorities, compromise, control and expectations.
Divorce-proof tip:
Different travel styles don’t matter, but not talking about them and finding a way forward does. Before you book, agree on how you will handle and manage these differences to avoid tension.
The in-law invasion
A holiday should be a great opportunity to reconnect as a couple and deepen your relationship. But if you’re holidaying with extended family it can quickly become a holiday from your relationship, rather than for it.
The idea of holidaying with blended step-families, both sets of parents or old friends, might seem completely delightful to one partner while leaving the other feeling trapped and resentful, especially if that person ends up as cook and bottle washer for a big band of others.
In my experience, on these holidays the rows are rarely about the in-laws – they are about loyalty, boundaries and one of you feeling repeatedly deprioritised.
Divorce-proof tip:
Before you book the next holiday, regardless of the extras that might be tagging along, have a proper chat and agree how much time will be ‘couple time’ and how much will be ‘family time’.
No one should feel like a spare part on their own holiday.
Old and tired
One of the biggest triggers for later-life divorce can be the startling realisation that one of you has ‘let the old person in’ when the other is doing everything it takes to hold back the ravages of time. If you’re picking out salads from the hotel buffet and pumping iron in the hotel gym you can get more than an ‘ick’ from spending two weeks with a partner who has let themselves go.
Away from the camouflage of everyday routines (and clothes), you can suddenly notice how differently you’re both ageing and this can leave you wondering if you’re still going to be able to enjoy the future you had imagined together or whether you might have to become their carer far sooner than you feared.
Divorce-proof tip:
Use the holiday to have an honest but loving conversation about the future. Become teammates rather than critics.
Ask yourselves: ‘What sort of retirement do we want?’ and, ‘What do we need to start doing now to make that happen?’
The answer might be daily walks, joining a gym, healthier meals, quitting smoking, cutting back on the booze or maybe taking more active holidays.
Phone wars
You’ve finally escaped. Together at last! Hurrah! No deadlines. No school runs. No endless chores.
Except one of you isn’t really there. They’re still taking conference calls on sightseeing trips, tuning into World cup football in the middle of the night, doomscrolling in bed, missing sunsets and barely acknowledging your sexy new holiday wardrobe.
The problem is, nothing says ‘you’re not my top priority’ more loudly than choosing your phone over your partner day after day.
Divorce-proof tip:
Agree a few holiday rules before you leave home such as:
- No screen zone during meals. Use the time to chat about things you don’t usually have time for.
- No phones in bed. Let the first and last few minutes of the day belong to each other. Talk, cuddle or simply enjoy your morning coffee together.
- Agree beforehand if there’s a unique sporting event you can’t miss.
Don’t drop the D-word
Holidays are stressful – tiredness, travel, grumpy kids, overheated partners and small frustrations can quickly turn into blazing rows.
That’s often when people blurt out things in anger or to shock the other which they don’t really mean and the D-word (divorce) can raise its ugly head.
It is most likely to be thrown into the conversation with apparent abandon (‘Oh are we heading towards divorce then?’). And followed up with ‘Oh come on, I was only joking!’ But that word – in any context – is a hand grenade into your marriage.
It plants doubt, fear, uncertainty and insecurity.
I’ve seen marriages fatally weakened by repeated divorce threats. Every time you use the D-word, it becomes a little more believable and more damaging.
Divorce-proof tip:
The D-word is off limits – whether you’re at home or on holiday. No matter how tired, stressed or frustrated you are.
If the word has already been used, don’t ignore it and hope it blows over. A simple apology can make all the difference (‘I’m sorry. I was angry and overwhelmed. I don’t want a divorce. I shouldn’t have said that’).
Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart is a divorce lawyer, relationship coach and author of How to Stay Together: 12 Daily Habits to Strengthen Your Relationship (published by Octopus), is out on January 21, 2027, and is available to pre-order now.
- As told to Louise Atkinson
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