Ping! A message on your phone from your partner. What do you anticipate? A perfunctory request for your ETA for dinner or a kiss-strewn ‘can’t wait to see you – let’s go to our favourite Italian?’
After years together has your phone chat descended to clipped one-word replies and single-letter abbreviations? Or does he send strings of funny emojis and news articles he thinks you’ll be interested in?
And what’s your texting language to him like now – shopping lists, lengthy explanations or heart-felt declarations of love?
As a divorce lawyer, I’ve spent more than 30 years listening to what couples say about each other but I have also learned you can discover a lot about what’s going on in a relationship simply by looking at their texts.
As people return from their summer holidays and re-enter everyday life, I’m anticipating a surge in new divorce inquiries – and one of the first things I’ll do is ask how they communicate. In fact relevant texts and WhatsApp messages very often emerge as part of the legal process.
Some of those seemingly insignificant exchanges can be surprisingly revealing. They give me a little window into the emotional temperature of a relationship and help me to understand whether there’s warmth, affection and humour, or resentment, distance and simmering anger.
Over the years, countless clients have thrust their phones under my nose and said ‘Look at this! How on earth do I respond?’
Divorce lawyer Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart says she asks couples to show her their everyday messages because they’re a useful means of unpicking the way they speak to each other
I’ve seen them anxious and hurt, often furious, sometimes completely bewildered as they re-read text exchanges, desperate to work out why he’s sent it and what he means. Not to mention agonising over how to reply.
When I’m relationship coaching, meanwhile, I ask couples to show me their everyday messages because they’re such a useful means of unpicking the way they’ve got used to speaking to each other. Quite often the texts (both sent and received) display far less kindness than they realise.
When couples take their eye off their relationship and allow it to drift, it all too often shows up in the pattern of their day-to-day messaging.
The tone and tempo of your text exchanges really do offer tiny but powerful clues about the health of your relationship.
Try for yourself. Open your phone and check the last ten messages exchanged between you. No cherry-picking the anniversary messages from six months ago. Pick the last ten. What do you see?
These messages are not a relationship diagnosis but they do offer hints. You can exchange heart emojis all day and still be miserable or have the most mind-numbingly boring text threads full of domestic logistics and still be madly in love.
Don’t read too much into a grumpy ‘k’ (shorthand for OK and much used among teens). What matters is the bigger pattern and whether the way you communicate on your phones reflects how your relationship feels offline, too. Is there kindness? Collaboration? A sense of fun? Or not…?
Do your texts show two people who actually like each other?
It’s worth checking in with your phone because this apparently mundane interaction could shine a light on relationship tensions in need of a fix.
Purely functional
Does your WhatsApp interaction look like a series of barked instructions from ‘mission control’? ‘Can you pick up milk?’ ‘What time are you home?’ ‘Parents’ evening Thursday’. ‘ETA: 6.30’, ‘Roger that’.
This kind of interaction shows a couple that is highly efficient and organised, with ‘Family Ltd’ running like clockwork.
There’s nothing wrong with practical and functional messages. And plenty of happy couples save the love, laughter and proper chat for when they’re together.
But problems can arise when these messages become your entire relationship chat and the business vibe starts to crowd out affection, curiosity, fun and laughter between the two of you.
Also notably missing is any evidence of the ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ that you might happily proffer to a waiter or at the supermarket checkout, but are apparently withholding from the one you love.
Action plan: Ask yourself: ‘Are we just functional texters or has our whole relationship just become one giant to-do list?’ And if it has, time to put some love back into the chat. Intersperse the functional messages with something funny, or a bit of flirtatious banter. A little bit of ‘sugar coating’ can go a long way to keeping your marriage alive.
If rage-filled, insulting or intimidating messages are becoming a regular feature of your relationship, it’s serious and shouldn’t be brushed off as ‘just anger’
Passive aggressive
Is there a snarky resentful tone creeping into your communications? Does every text come with a sting? ‘Oh, don’t worry then, I’ll do it. Again.’ Or, ‘Well, it must be lovely to have time for the gym’ and ‘I’m glad one of us got a lie-in’ or ‘I’ve only asked you three times already’.
Sarcastic and passive-aggressive texts often indicate resentment bubbling away furiously underneath with nobody actually saying what’s really bothering them.
Action plan: If your texts have become a running scorecard of who did or didn’t do what and who is more exhausted, it’s time to put the phone down and talk instead.
Drop the digs and say what you actually need – kindly and directly.
Try: ‘I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need more help.’ Or, if they’re the one being pass-agg, let them know you find it hurtful and it’s more corrosive than they think.
Say: ‘I’m upset about this. Can we talk?’
Single words and emojis
Emojis and abbreviations have replaced a great deal of the subtle nuance of our everyday language. Is your line of communication peppered with a monosyllabic run of alternating ‘k’, ‘yep’, ‘cool’ or a thumbs-up emoji and an OK emoji (that’s the hand making a circle with forefinger and thumb).
This doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is in trouble. We’re all busy and distracted. But watch out for one-sided displays. If one of you is reaching out and only getting clipped pictorial replies, this can signal emotional distance – or even an affair. I’ve seen this kind of sudden coldness when someone starts to cheat and their attention and emotional energy has shifted elsewhere.
Action plan: Ask yourself if this is how you’ve always communicated, or has something changed? A few curt texts are not proof of cheating but if the warmth has suddenly vanished, it is time to ask: ‘You seem a bit distant lately. Is everything OK?’
Text messages might be brilliant for the quick stuff but for anything that matters, you need to put down the phones and talk properly. The human voice can soften tone and provide nuance in a way a text message never can.
Emojis and abbreviations have replaced a great deal of the subtle nuance of our everyday language
Suddenly secretive
Watch out if one partner who once sent loving messages becomes strangely unavailable for long stretches, responding to text inquiries with: ‘Sorry. Busy.’ ‘Meeting’, ‘Phone died’ or ‘Working late – don’t wait up’.
Secretive phone behaviour doesn’t prove an affair either but after decades of dealing with infidelity in my divorce clinic, my alarm bells always ring when I hear about sudden, unexplained text changes. Accompanying red flags include: they’re up late texting, notifications disappear from their lock screen, their phone is always face-down or now accompanies them to the bathroom.
Action plan: Don’t play Sherlock Holmes (no snooping or accusing). The sudden secrecy could be completely innocent. But be alert for marked behavioural change, especially if it comes with defensiveness or emotional withdrawal.
Ask: ‘I’ve noticed you’ve been different with your phone lately. Is everything OK?’
Walking on eggshells
A series of tentative texts: ‘Sorry to bother you…’, ‘Please don’t be annoyed but..’ or ‘I’ll cancel it if you don’t want me to go’ could be a sign that something is wrong with the emotional climate of your relationship. A healthy relationship should feel emotionally safe – online and off – and both of you should be able to ask a question, raise a concern or make a mistake without worrying about the other’s reaction.
Action plan: Ask yourself if you’re choosing words carefully because you’re considerate or because you’re scared of the reaction. It’s not good if one of you is constantly editing, apologising or worrying about upsetting their partner or how they will react.
One nervous text proves nothing but if this is a repeated pattern, it’s time to talk to someone you trust or seek professional support. If you are genuinely afraid, put your safety first rather than confronting a partner alone.
If you’re getting tentative texts from your partner, turn the question round. Ask yourself, ‘Why are they worried about how I’ll react?’ Be honest. Do you snap, sulk or go cold when you don’t like what’s going on?
Try saying, ‘You seem worried about upsetting me. I don’t want you to feel you have to walk on eggshells. Is there something I do that makes you feel like that?’ Then comes the hard bit: listen properly, without jumping to defend yourself. You may not like what you hear but those nervous little texts could be giving clues about how your partner feels around you.
Sheela says secretive phone behaviour doesn’t prove an affair but after decades of dealing with infidelity, her alarm bells always ring when she hears about sudden text changes
Text-rage
Watch out if your texts are peppered with rage-filled caps and exclamation marks: ‘YOU NEVER LISTEN’, ‘Here we go again!!’ ‘I’VE TOLD YOU!!’ or ‘I’m sick of this.’
We all get angry and annoyed with each other – that’s normal. But a pattern of texts that looks more like the jabs and punches in a boxing ring is – fairly clearly – not a good sign. This antagonistic form of communication is designed to lash out, hurt back or win. When you’re furious, your phone can become a weapon. Worse still, without facial expressions, tone or touch that can soften a difficult conversation, a text row can easily escalate from nought to nuclear in seconds.
Action plan: Never text angry. If you’re the raging texter, stop before you hit ‘send’ and ask yourself if you’re trying to fix the problem or merely hurt your partner? Pause. Cool off first. Put your phone in another room, go for a walk, take a shower, breathe. Rant into your Notes app if you must but don’t press send.
Once you’ve worked out what’s upsetting you and what you need your partner to understand, talk it through face-to-face.
Start with: ‘I’m really upset about what happened’ rather than ‘You always…’
If you’re on the receiving end of text-rage, don’t get dragged into a furious ping-pong match. When you’re attacked it’s tempting to fire straight back – especially when something feels unfair – but that will only turn up the heat.
Don’t try to win an argument by text. Pause and, if you feel safe to do so, send a simple message saying something like: ‘I can see you’re really angry. I don’t want us to say things we’ll regret, so let’s talk when we’ve both calmed down.’ Then put your phone down and walk away for a while.
And if rage-filled, insulting or intimidating messages are becoming a regular feature of your relationship, it’s serious and shouldn’t be brushed off as ‘just anger’. An aggressive and antagonistic pattern of messaging needs to be addressed. If the tone makes you feel frightened, threatened or controlled, seek support rather than tackling it alone.
Checked out
Text-fighting is a worry, but nothing gets my divorce lawyer antennae twitching more than the emotional indifference that seeps out of bland, non-committal texts. If your phone is peppered with off-hand responses like: ‘whatever’, ‘I don’t care tbh’, ‘do whatever you want’ or ‘let’s just get through the weekend for the kids’, you could be in trouble.
When there are no rows, no questions, no curiosity, it could mean that one of you has stopped fighting altogether and might have emotionally checked out of the relationship.
Action plan: Don’t jump to conclusions over a few flat texts – we all get tired, stressed and distracted. But if warmth, curiosity, affection and desire to connect have disappeared both on the phone and in real life, please don’t dismiss it.
Ask yourself: ‘Have we stopped arguing because things are better or because one of us has stopped caring enough to argue?’ Don’t wait for the goodbye conversation. Have the difficult conversation now.
Try: ‘I feel like we’ve become really distant lately. Are you feeling it too? What’s going on between us?’
Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart is a divorce lawyer, relationship coach and author of How to Stay Together: 12 Daily Habits to Strengthen Your Relationship, available to pre-order, published by Octopus on January 21, 2027.
As told to Louise Atkinson
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