A few weeks before moving out of my parents’ house for college, I stumbled upon a grainy Polaroid of my mom in her 20s. I stared, dumbfounded, as two questions formed in my mind.

First, who was this person? And second – why didn’t I know her?

The mum I knew threatened to divorce my dad frequently and required me to wear camisoles under shirts to cover my stomach. We fought often about when I could hang out with friends, and where, and for how long. She also stayed meticulously up to date on my life by insisting I catalog every minute of it in a ritual I called Tell Me About Your Day. It went like this:

“So, tell me about your day. What happened in first period? Did you talk to Mr. Gallaher like I asked you to? What about the book report, did you turn it in? OK. What did you do in second period? Nothing? Come on, what topic are you learning? Did they assign homework? OK, I want to print the assignment description.”

As I grew older, this questioning felt like endless nagging at the end of a long day. I began approaching the conversations like interrogations to be endured. I didn’t appreciate that my mum wanted to be involved in my life. Instead, I saw Tell Me About Your Day as part of a wider pattern in which she tried to control me.

For instance, in middle school, when my mum overheard my friends’ parents using my chosen nickname, Jackie, she yelled, “Don’t call her that!” and lectured them on why the name was “trashy”.

Similarly, she disapproved when I wore makeup or anything form-fitting. Being told to cover up made me feel uncomfortable in my body and ostracised from peers who wore what they wanted. I began to rebel by changing into prohibited outfits at school.

As an adult, I recognise how my mum’s role as the primary authority in our home made it easier to reduce her to a rigid micromanager. While my dad travelled for work, my mum was constantly around. The sheer amount of time she spent with me made her the parent who enforced rules and also the parent most likely to annoy me.

But this awareness did not come until later. Back then, I simply complained, until one day, when I was 16, I decided that I wouldn’t do Tell Me About Your Day anymore. No. The first time I refused to describe my day, the word thudded like a heavy book on a table. My mum protested for a while before she lost track of how many summaries I owed her and focused on my siblings.

From then on, I wielded the power of a no. When my mum tried to convince my teenage siblings and me to read children’s books with her — no. When she begged us to create Pinterest crafts for holidays and birthdays well into adulthood — no. The knowledge that she couldn’t force me to do anything I didn’t want to do was freeing.

However, exercising this right came at a price: I was now an outsider in my own family. Passing through our kitchen, I’d catch glimpses of my brother, sister, and mom cuddled together on our couch watching a travel documentary. I’d feel a dull longing for intimacy, but after a series of my nos, she had stopped asking me to join them.

I felt as if I were peering at a misty landscape from a distance, wishing to cross a lake to reach the shore yet knowing I had no oars to paddle. I missed being involved in my family landscape, but by that point, I had been moored for so long that I was afraid to disturb the water.

This distancing didn’t help me add to my meagre knowledge of my mum’s pre-kids life. Ironically, although she noted every minute detail of my life, my mum rarely shared stories about her own childhood or young adulthood.

Her reticence was overcome only by her annual remarks about the anniversaries of her parents’ deaths, and she never mentioned her sister, whom I haven’t seen in over a decade, or her brother, whom I’ve never met. And every time I commented on what seemed like a less-than-perfect marriage to my dad, she changed the subject. My mum protected these topics with her own implicit nos – shrugging, evasive language, silence.

So, when I found the photo of her at my age, looking carefree and lovestruck, it felt like seeing a flash of light rebound off a mirror. In the image, my dad grins at my mum through round glasses, and she reclines in a large leather chair, her shoulders scrunched up in laughter as if she and my dad are sharing a hilarious inside joke. She’s even wearing a crop top!

I had to know more to make sense of it. I wanted to show the photo to everyone and beg for more information, but I knew my dad, a private person, would be upset if the picture were shared. Instead, I asked him questions under the guise of a college assignment, and his answers shocked me. I learned that my mum worked in Finland, frequented Chicago’s jazz clubs with my dad, and loved living in Colorado. Listening to my dad talk, I imagined my mum as an easygoing voyager, exploring the world and carving out her place in it.

After months of building the courage to talk to my mum directly, I discovered the details of how she had watched both her parents die, on her own. She called 911 when her dad collapsed from a heart attack, but the ambulance arrived too late. She was 17. Years later, one August, she took a semester off grad school to care for her ailing mother. By Christmas, cancer had taken my mum’s only remaining parent.

With these revelations, suddenly I saw my mum as a complex woman who had survived unthinkable trauma, and I better understood her desire to learn everything about my life. When both of your parents are stripped away with little warning, of course you cling to the people you have left. I thought about all the ways my mum expressed love that I had disregarded, blinded by teenage frustration.

At 23, I feel guilty about distancing myself from her. With her parents dead, she stands on a shore of her own with no way to paddle closer to them except by imperfect remembrance. I don’t want to stand on that untraversable shore any earlier than necessary. And when the time does come, I want to remember more than just my mum’s rules. I want to know real stuff – her dreams, the places she’s lived, the people she’s loved, and the sacrifices she made.

The first step required closing the distance between me and my mum. Now that I’ve grown up and can dress however I want and go by any nickname I like, I find myself reaching for my phone to call her more. I followed my sister’s lead and started intentionally scheduling one-on-one time with my mum to go on bike rides or explore my Pittsburgh hometown.

Last April, my mum visited me in New York. At a fancy restaurant, I said, “So many weddings must happen here.”

My mum’s face wrinkled as she shared that her mother used to work as a bridal consultant helping women find wedding dresses. It was another flash of unexpected learning, and I listened raptly, feeling like I was with the woman in the photograph. Maybe that woman was always there; I just hadn’t noticed.

I wonder now how much of my limited knowledge of my mum’s past results from my lack of asking. Who was she? Who might she still become? How has saying no precluded the chance of knowing her more deeply?

These are much more difficult questions than my mum’s queries about homework. These questions require an openness between us that may be painful.

They emerge from the fundamentally unequal relationship between parents and children: while parents witness every stage of their children’s lives from prenatal growth to adulthood, children know their parents only as caregivers.

For many of us, this means we wake up one day and realise that we don’t know the people they are outside of parenthood. But there’s so much to discover.

I’ve apologised to my mum for some things in the past; she’s done the same, and now our relationship is stronger than ever. (The main thing we fight over is when I write about her – sorry, Mom).

Mostly, I’m thankful I’m no longer standing on that impassable shore, peering at my mum through the mist. I haven’t asked all the hard questions yet, but I’m proud that I’ve grabbed an oar and rowed closer to her.

This piece was previously published on HuffPost and running again as part of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series.

Jacqueline LeKachman is a New York-based freelance writer and English teacher who has contributed to The Washington Post, WIRED, Business Insider, and Shondaland. She is writing a book about complex family dynamics and can be found on Twitter @JacquelineLeKa.

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Ahh, the mental load. That never-ending list of to-dos, don’t forgets and keeping on top of household jobs that makes your brain feel like it’s going to explode on a daily basis. (Just me?)

A survey of 1,000 women in the UK has revealed 97% of mothers say they are responsible for planning, remembering and managing both work and home life; with only 12% saying their household responsibilities are shared equally.

Not only that, but two in five mothers – 44%, to be exact – say the mental load they carry isn’t recognised by others, according to the poll by neurotechnology company Parasym.

Most (83%) say they think about responsibilities at least once a day, even when they should be resting, and 15% can simply never switch off from it.

More than three-quarters (77%) report poor sleep as a result of the stress, with two-thirds also sharing they struggle with anxiety or racing thoughts (68%), fatigue (66%) and finding it difficult to switch off (66%).

“Society has always relied on this invisible labour for the smooth running of households’ daily life,” says Dr Elisabetta Burchi, head of research at Parasym.

But she warned by not recognising mothers as “the family’s usual cognitive labourer, this may only add further stress, increasing feelings of frustration, resentment or burnout”.

UCLA Health describes the mental load as the “behind-the-scenes, cognitive and emotional work needed to manage a household”.

Studies have found mums take on 71% of all household mental load tasks (in comparison to dads, who take on 45%), ranging from planning meals and arranging activities to managing household finances.

But the more you shoulder, the more likely it is your nervous system will begin to buckle under the constant strain.

The constant cognitive effort of remembering, organising and planning can keep the autonomic nervous system in a state of prolonged activation, said Dr Burchi.

When the brain is constantly anticipating the next task, deadline or responsibility, it never fully signals that it is safe to switch off, meaning it’s harder for the body to enter a restful state.

Over time, this places the nervous system under strain, leading to dysregulation, she suggested.

Cue those symptoms many burnt out parents might be familiar with: fatigue, sleep disruption, anxiety, hormonal disruption, IBS and headaches.

The vagus nerve is a key regulator of the body’s calming system and plays a critical role in managing stress, mood, cognitive function and inflammation. When vagal tone is low, resilience drops. When it’s supported, the body is better able to return to a state of balance.

You can enhance vagal tone through practices such as deep breathing, meditation, yoga, regular exercise, and finding social connection, as well as through vagus nerve stimulation (VNS), which uses electrical impulses to activate the vagus nerve.

Clear communication and sitting down to properly hash out who does what in the household (to ensure a fair distribution of the load) is also key to helping prevent resentment from building and burnout from taking hold.

And for anyone reading this who isn’t shouldering the majority of household tasks, perhaps a gentle conversation about how you plan to do more to help could ease the burden this Mother’s Day – and beyond.

Expert comment provided by Stuart Gillies, chef-owner for Number Eight, Sevenoaks and Bank House, Chislehurst, and Zoe Gill, development chef at Brakes Foodservices.

The other day, while I was eating okonimiyaki, I thought, “This is probably the best meal you can make with a head of cabbage”.

Which made me wonder – what about other ingredients?

So, this week, we asked chefs Stuart Gillies, chef-owner for Number Eight, Sevenoaks and Bank House, Chislehurst, and Zoe Gill, development chef at Brakes Foodservices, for the best meal they can think of with this week’s pick: leeks.

Leeks are in season this month, so to enjoy them at the peak of their flavour, Gillies doesn’t mess around too much with the ingredient.

″’At home we love a French family classic; poached leeks, wrapped in thin smoked cooked ham slices, laid in a gratin dish and topped with cheese sauce, grated cheddar and baked in the oven,” he explained.

Sometimes called poireaux au gratin, the recipe is a favourite of chef Anthony Bar, too.

As Gillies explained, it’s “Super easy for anyone to make and incredibly satisfying.”

“Leeks are a brilliant ingredient for a risotto because they can melt easily into the arborio rice, offering a delicate, subtle flavour that doesn’t overpower the dish,” the chef told HuffPost UK.

Those who’ve tried the combination seem to agree: a BBC Good Food recipe has earned nothing but five-star reviews.

And because it complements “the likes of peas, asparagus, as well as courgette, red pepper and aubergine,” the cook loveds to make it in a “Mediterranean-vegetable risotto, topped with a light fish, such as monkfish.”

She added, “The meaty texture holds up against the creaminess of rice and offers a great source of protein”.

Ed Miliband has refused to tell Laura Kuenssberg exactly what Donald Trump wants to achieve in Iran during a painful interview.

The US president chose to strike Iran with Israel at the end of February, killing the country’s Supreme Leader.

The Middle East is now in a state of turmoil as Tehran strikes back and effectively blocks a major oil shipping lane known as the Strait of Hormuz.

The UK rejected initial US requests to use British military bases to launch strikes against Iran, much to Trump’s fury.

The government has since allowed the US to use its sites for “limited and defensive” strikes.

But Trump also asked the UK, and other allies, to send warships to secure the Strait of Hormuz on Saturday, which risks dragging the country further into the war.

When asked if the aims of this conflict are clear on the BBC’s Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg, cabinet minister Miliband said: “The US made its decision with Israel to launch this initial attack on Iran.

“We don’t want to see a nuclear Iran, that is shared by all of us. But I think it is in all of our interests to bring this war to an end.”

Kuenssberg pointed out how even prime minister Keir Starmer said the war was unplanned and unlawful when it broke out and asked if anything had changed in the last fortnight.

Miliband smiled and dodged the question, adding: “Tempting as it is to talk about this is a public setting…”

Kuenssberg noted viewers would probably conclude the government is not sure what the Americans are trying to do.

Miliband just insisted that the war aims are up to the Americans, and it is the position of the UK government that the conflict must be de-escalated.

She asked for his response to Trump’s claim that he might try and hit a vital Iranian oil hub “just for fun”.

He replied: “I think what you’re tempting me to do is to speculate or commentate…”

“I’m asking you about conduct in a war by our closest ally, that is not asking you to speculate,” she cut in.

Miliband said the British government was right not to join the initial conflict as they were worried about the initial plan and some of the consequences that would come with it.

Asked if there was a proper plan now, the energy security secretary said: “I think I’ve answered that question.”

Only last week the president insisted the US did not want the UK’s aircraft carries to help him in Iran.

He claimed: “We don’t need people that join Wars after we’ve already won!”

In response to Trump’s latest request, a Ministry of Defence spokesperson said: “As we’ve said previously, we are currently discussing with our allies and partners a range of options to ensure the security of shipping in the region.”

Dietitian comment provided by registered dietitian Melissa Jaeger, head of nutrition at MyFitnessPal.

At HuffPost UK, we’ve already asked dietitians which bread is best for us and whether wholemeal pasta is always better than plain.

But what about eggs, which I’ve alternately heard are healthy, protein-packed additions and a speedy way to increase your cholesterol?

Here, we spoke to registered dietitian Melissa Jaeger about whether eggs are good for us, the best way to eat them, and which type of eggs benefits us most.

“Absolutely,” said Jaeger.

Calling them a “nutrient powerhouse,” she added: “They’re a complete protein containing all nine essential amino acids your body can’t produce on its own.

“They provide preformed vitamin A that’s ready for your body to use, and they’re packed with vitamins and minerals that support everything from muscle building to immune function.”

So long as you remember a healthy diet is more about the balance of what you eat than any one food, she added, “they can absolutely be part of a heart-healthy diet”.

“There are slight variations in nutritional content between different types of eggs, such as chicken, duck, or quail,” Jaeger told us.

For instance, a duck egg contains more fat and weighs a little more than a chicken’s egg; duck eggs also contain a little more fat.

But, she said, “the cooking method, serving size, and what you pair your eggs with will have a far greater impact on the overall nutrition quality of your meal than the type of egg you choose”.

Whether you hard-boil, scramble, or fry your eggs won’t change the nutritional content of the egg itself. But adding oil or butter will raise the fat content, while pairing it with veggies adds some much-needed fibre.

For instance, “It’s common for poached eggs to be served in dishes like Eggs Benedict with rich sauces or alongside bacon or sausage that are higher in saturated fat,” the dietitian shared.

“Instead, top your wholemeal avocado toast with a poached egg and serve with a side of fresh fruit for a well-rounded meal containing protein, fibre, and healthy fats.”

Ultimately, you should “Aim to pair your protein-rich eggs with a source of fibre, including fresh berries, sautéed vegetables, or wholemeal toast to round out the meal and provide sustained energy”.

That protein and fibre combo, Jaeger added, will “keep you satisfied and support your daily nutrition goals, regardless of which type of egg or cooking method you choose”.

It’s all about that balance we spoke about earlier.

“The key is what you pair them with,” said Jaeger.

“Swap out high saturated fat sides like bacon or sausage for nutrient-rich options like avocado or whole wheat toast, black beans, salsa, sweet potato hash or fresh fruit.

“Boiled eggs are perfect for salads or on-the-go snacks. Scrambled eggs are one of my favourites because you can easily add leftover pre-cut vegetables for a protein and fibre-filled combination,” she added.

And for a quick breakfast, the dietitian added, you can’t beat a microwave.

“Grease a microwave-safe bowl with cooking spray, whisk in your eggs with seasonings, vegetables, and a splash of liquid, then microwave in short increments (no more than 30 seconds at a time) until done,” she said.

Piers Morgan has torn Donald Trump apart for assuming he could treat Iran in the same way he treated Venezuela.

The broadcaster, who previously had a close relationship with the US president, told the BBC’s Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg that he does not think Trump has a “clue” what he is trying to achieve with his attacks on the Middle East.

Morgan said: “I think he thought he could pull a Venezuela here – decapitate the leadership of Iran and it would all get settled quite quickly.

“I think two weeks in, what is very clear, is this is not going to get settled quickly.”

Trump kidnapped Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro in January, and his replacement has tried to keep America on side even as the US moved in to seize the country’s oil tankers.

While the US and Israel strikes on Iran did kill Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei last month, it’s clear the regime is far from falling.

Morgan also noted that Trump has been inconsistent with his explanations for the attacks.

“All the mission statements he’s laid out change day by day, sometimes hour by hour,” the broadcaster said.

“It was going to be regime change, it was going after nuclear capability which we’d been assured only 10 months ago had been dismantled already.”

He said the “tremendous overwhelming superiority” of the US and Israeli military which is “bigger than probably anything we’ve ever seen on planet Earth”.

But Tehran continues to hold its own by focusing on economic tactics by effectively closing the Strait of Hormuz, which carries around a fifth of the world’s oil supply.

This has sent markets into turmoil as the price of oil skyrockets.

“They are sending a signal that we can’t beat you militarily, but economically we can paralyse you,” Morgan said.

Iran looks like the only country which may have been prepared for this current conflict, the former chief of MI6 has suggested.

Sir John Scarlett, who headed up the intelligence service between 2004 and 2009, told Sky News he was surprised when he first heard Donald Trump and Israel had attacked Iran last month.

“It wasn’t because I was surprised by the idea of an attack,” the former intelligence officer said. “But because negotiations were going on.”

He said there was quiet optimism about the progress around Iran’s talks with the US about capping Tehran’s capabilities to prevent the country from building its own nuclear weapons.

Scarlett said: “It was clear [Israeli prime minister] Benjamin Netanyahu was concerned President Trump was reluctant to go in[to Iran].

“And then suddenly he did. So what caused that change in mind? Maybe in one evening?”

He theorised that some intelligence may have come through to sway Trump.

“There’s also the reporting from Marco Rubio that they were convinced the Israelis were going to do it anyway,” Scarlett said.

“I’m leaning towards a misunderstanding maybe, or an over-interpretation of what was happening or not happening in the negotiations in Muscat.”

He said the Iranian proposals may have been suggesting some flexibility towards a nuclear deal comparable to the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action.

Scarlett claimed that could have been interpreted by the White House as “an effect rejection of the US demands”.

Asked if the west should have been better prepared for this conflict, Scarlett said, “wisdom of hindsight is always right”.

“It is clear that almost nobody expected this to happen in quite the way it has,” he said.

“The people who expected it best is perhaps the Iranians, actually, which goes back to the resilience and forward-planning of the Iran regime – and it is very very important that is properly understood.

“Yes, in terms of deployment, weapons deployment, ships deployments, planning and so on – planning for what should have been obvious, which is the vulnerability of the strait of Hormuz.

“That was not there. And that perhaps includes us.”

Iran has effectively closed the waterway by targeting ships using the strait.

Around a fifth of the world’s oil supply travels along Hormuz, so the conflict has caused oil prices to skyrocket.

Ed Miliband made it clear Britain will not be following Donald Trump’s example by easing sanctions on Russia.

The US president has temporarily relaxed penalties on Moscow to help its oil trade while the Iran conflict puts global supplies under pressure.

The controversial move risks undermining a united western effort to punish Vladimir Putin for his brutal invasion of Ukraine.

But, due to Trump’s aggression against Iran, Tehran has effectively closed the Strait of Hormuz, which carries approximately a fifth of the global oil supply, by attacking any ships using the waterway.

The cost of oil has skyrocketed just two weeks after the US and Israel’s strikes on Iran.

Russia used to supply much of Europe with cheap oil, but the continent weaned itself off such exports in the wake of the Ukraine war.

Miliband, the energy security and net zero secretary, told Sky News: “We’ve not lifted our sanctions against Russia because it is very, very important that we continue to show solidarity with the Ukrainian people

“This was an illegal invasion launched more than four years ago. Our solidarity with the Ukrainian people has been incredibly important throughout these four years,”

“We continue to believe that for the good the UK, we continue to maintain sanctions on Russia. We think it is incredibly important that we send a clear message to Putin on these questions.”

On Trump’s call for allies to send warships to help reopen the strait of Hormuz, Miliband simply said it is important to reopen the waterway and the UK is working with European leaders and Gulf partners.

“We need to de-escalate this crisis, because the best and most conclusive way to get the strait reopened is to get this conflict it to end,” he said.