Therapist comment provided by BACP-certified therapists Matt Wotton and Clare Patterson.

You might already be familiar with “grey rocking,” or responding to a narcissistic or high-conflict person with a wall of boring, impersonal responses that provide a sort of armour.

But recently, I read about “yellow rocking,” a more polite version of the practice. Some say it can also help those handling inconsiderate and high-conflict people; others even recommend it in acrimonious custody cases.

So, we spoke to therapists Matt Wotton and Clare Patterson about the benefits of “yellow rocking” and how to use it.

It involves responding cordially, but not in an emotionally invested way, to someone who typically upsets you.

You can speak to them lightheartedly, without sharing any information you want to share or getting trapped in lines of thought or discussion you don’t want to.

The therapists said it’s about boundaries. Some techniques like CBT help people to “notice triggers, regulate their reactions, and respond deliberately rather than reactively”, like “yellow rocking,” said Wotton.

“The BIFF method used in divorce mediation – brief, informative, friendly and firm – follows the same principle. Keep responses short, factual and calm.”

Staying present and remembering you’re in control of the conversation is key.

“Yellow rocking basically repackages existing therapeutic ideas that have been around for decades – it’s broadly sensible stuff,” said Wotton.

“Both grey and yellow rocking are built on the idea that behaviour fades when it stops being rewarded.”

He added that while going no-contact is often the best solution, “yellow-rocking” can help in scenarios, like co-parenting, that make that impossible.

Patterson said, “I think when we feel confident and have good boundaries in ourselves, ‘yellow rocking’ comes naturally. It’s a place where the so-called ’narcissist’s behaviour simply cannot affect us in the same way it might if we experienced self-doubt or insecurity.

“By ‘not affect’, of course I don’t mean we won’t feel hurt, irritated or saddened by the behaviour at times. But when we no longer take it personally, we can respond with humour and lightness, rather than a place of defensiveness or an attempt to change or fix them.”

She ended, “Essentially, it’s about bringing power back to ourselves. It can be easy to want to fix the world ‘out there’ to feel safe and content, but perhaps in starting with feeling safe and content within ourselves, we may be surprised at what our external reality starts to reflect back.”

Labour’s deputy leader Lucy Powell has refused to say if she thinks Keir Starmer should continue as prime minister.

The party are expected to endure heavy losses in England’s local elections on Thursday after a gruelling two years in office.

Labour are also likely to lose control of the devolved Welsh government for the first time since devolution was introduced 30 years ago, and unlikely to beat the SNP in Scotland.

Pressure is mounting on Starmer to take the fall for the anticipated bloodbath, though the PM has insisted he will not be stepping down any time soon.

Even so, reports continue to suggest that his rivals – former deputy PM Angela Rayner, health secretary Wes Streeting and Greater Manchester mayor Andy Burnham – are preparing to challenge him for No.10.

Powell, who was sacked as the Commons leader by Starmer last year, refused to give the PM clear backing in an interview on Sunday.

While sending a message to unhappy Labour MPs that “no one change” would help the party get back on the right track, she said: “I strongly believe that we’ve got the right agenda to start turning that around. To give people hope, an opportunity and see the change in their communities.”

Asked if Starmer was the correct person to deliver on those promises, the MP for Manchester Central said: “I’m not going to get into that.

“I think there’s no one change that [will affect] all of these situations. We’ve still got to tackle these big issues, and we’ve got to do it in the right way with the right values. Having some side order conversation about personnel and people, I think misses the point.”

She said: “If we get that wrong, then Nigel Farage is walking into Downing Street. We can all pretend that one switch over here would magically transform that. I just don’t believe that.”

Powell also told the Guardian there is “huge anger and despondency” within the party over the scandal surrounding Peter Mandelson.

Starmer’s decision to appoint the ex-Labour peer as the UK’s ambassador to the US, despite his links to convicted paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, caused fury within the party.

Mandelson has since been sacked but new details – including questions about his failed vetting status – continue to haunt the PM.

Powell is known to be a close friend to Burnham, who tried to run for the Gorton and Denton by-election but was blocked by Labour’s executive body.

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“I’ve written a list,” my mother said as our session began in her therapist’s San Francisco office. “It’s called ‘the 40 most unforgivable things I’ve ever done to my daughters.’”

Fog flowed above the skylights as she fidgeted in her seat, twirling her blue chiffon scarf. I cringed. I hated the idea of therapy, but Mom loved it. She’d convinced me to go, even though I protested, telling her, “I don’t need any apologies.”

At 30, I was still frozen in fright as if I were 7 years old and hiding under my bed because I feared my next beating.

I sat opposite my mom while she smoothed her light powder pink matching skirt and jacket so no wrinkles would show, as if that would somehow help in ironing out our own.

My parents, who were Russian Jewish second cousins, met at a bar mitzvah and married at 19. Mom was 20 when I was born. She got addicted to speed trying to lose the baby weight and used barbiturates to sleep. When I was 7, my parents divorced. My father moved to Mexico while my mom, sister and I remained in New York City.

Mom had been seeing her psychoanalyst weekly for decades to process her pain of having been an abuser for the first 13 years of my life. Focused only on becoming a college professor and starting my own family, I’d spent those same decades pretending I wasn’t damaged in any way. Denial protected me and I had never seen a mental health specialist.

Twenty years after she got sober, she set up this time to formally ask for forgiveness. Until then, we’d often gotten together and had perfectly pleasant times by never talking about the past.

My lower back ached as I settled into the stiff beige leather chair, wishing I wasn’t there.

“Today’s session is for your mom,” the therapist, Terry, said. “She wants to tell you how sorry she is about the abuse that took place when you were young. She’s been plagued with guilt.”

I looked over at my 50-year-old mother, whose hazel green eyes I had inherited along with her petite frame and dimples. I also have the same thick wavy brown hair, and perhaps the propensity to fidget, since I couldn’t stop nervously twisting a strand as she spoke that day. In every other way, though, I felt nothing like her.

“The fact that your mom is about to apologise for specific acts of violence and neglect in no way excuses her past behaviour,” Terry said.

I sat motionless and muted, staring at Mom. I knew what she was going to say and I didn’t want to hear it.

“When Leslie was 5, I repeatedly closed her in the garbage room and told her I didn’t want her anymore,” Mom read aloud. “Each time she tried to come out, I slammed the door shut and told her she was being thrown away.”

I quivered as if she were still locking me in that rubbish room in our swanky Manhattan apartment building. I shrank back to being tiny and helpless.

Mom continued, “I know I can’t undo the past. I feel so much pain, I don’t want to die without saying how sorry I am for everything on my list.”

She read aloud from her categorised maltreatments, among them: strangling me, pulling my sisters and I around the apartment by our hair, hitting us at midnight when her speed kicked in, forcing us to clean at 2 a.m., telling us repeatedly she wished we were dead and had never had been born, regretting the drug dealers she brought home, and holding primal scream groups at the house where we had to hear adults yell obscenities several nights a week.

Mom made it only partially through her list before I could barely stand it. My mouth was ajar and my breathing jagged, as if gasping for air in a room that had been lit on fire.

Ribbons of red streaked across the skyline as the sun set. The session ended with an eerie silence. Still pulled by a primal force to please her, I finally spoke.

“Mom, I forgive you.”

I had not gotten over any of it —I’d just gotten good at saying I had. Mom’s description of each act she regretted reminded me of everything I tried to ignore. It was both re-traumatising and validating to hear her voice these truths in the presence of her analyst. Though I remembered it all, hearing her recount the details woke me up to my deep and unprocessed pain.

Mom’s face went pale and her limbs went limp. Perspiration surrounded her hairline as she tilted her head down and said softly, “I can’t believe how mercilessly I hurt my own babies.”

A late lunch at the Thai restaurant directly below her therapist’s office had always been the plan, but after the session I had no appetite. The scent of lemongrass and garlic wafted around the room, but did nothing to return me to my senses.

Mom must have known. Before I scanned the menu, she said, “I don’t know how you can sit near me after hearing all that. You must think I’m a monster. How can you even stand to look at me?”

I tried again to casually dismiss her anxiety.

“Oh, of course I can look at you and have lunch with you because I love you,” I said. “That was all so long ago. We can move on now.”

There were multicoloured Christmas lights and twinkling mini-Buddhas surrounding our booth, but I felt anything but festive. As a child who was abused, I always craved my mother’s love and professed my own for her often in hopes of getting more. Over the years that followed, I learned my behavior was typical for kids who went through what I did.

The menu blurred as I blinked back tears. I knew I was lying to myself and I wasn’t ready to move on. I still harboured unresolved resentment and anger toward my mom. Faking feelings was my jam, though, so I blurted out, “What great flavors!” after my first bite of pad Thai, even though I didn’t taste anything except bitterness.

Though I was upset, I realised that Mom’s bravery to say how sorry she was for each of her specific offences enabled me to understand that I would need to begin my own therapy at some point, but I wasn’t ready yet. My fierce focus on forgetting my past continued for years.

No one close to me could understand why I still had a relationship with my mom after the abuse ended.

Therapy, which I finally did begin 10 years after that session, and Buddhism helped to create loving emotional connections for us. We began practicing Buddhism when I was in the seventh grade. My mother had planned to kill herself, but instead tried an ancient meditation chant, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, based on Mahayana Buddhist teachings. She dared me to try it with her for 100 days as one last attempt at happiness. I tried it, initially to prove her wrong, but as we chanted day after day, I felt hope and noticed mom becoming kinder.

Within that year, she stopped using drugs and hitting us. This motivated me to stay connected to her. The Sanskrit word myo means to revive. Through the visceral vibration of chanting with her daily, I started sensing maternal love from Mom. Her actions to transform our destiny started with our shared spiritual journey when I was a teenager, enabling me to enjoy time with her even though the trauma of the unspeakable things she did was still locked in my cells. Before I finished that school year, she began seeing her therapist.

I was 32 when I received her formal apology. It became a positive pivot in our relationship, but I still couldn’t entirely move forward. Eight years later, I became so sick, I ended up on the floor in a faetal position unable to walk my kids to school. I was diagnosed with severe, chronic, ulcerative colitis — an autoimmune disease.

A Reiki practitioner I started seeing at the time asked me, “Did you ever experience any trauma?” I laughed nervously and said, “My mom used to smack, hit, and yell at me most days for over a decade, but that was so long ago, that can’t be why I’m sick.”

She looked at me and said, “That’s exactly why you’re sick.”

That’s when I finally started therapy and began to understand why it had been so life-changing for my mom.

Our braided spiritual journey and her atonement initiated the reconciliation of our family, but I had a lot of work to do if I truly wanted to heal. While we never had a second therapeutic hour together, I continued the work Mom set in motion on my own.

My mother passed away from diabetes 10 years after I began processing my terrifying childhood. She was only 69.

I find comfort in having been able to experience joy with her during her lifetime, which is something I once never thought would be possible.

On her deathbed, she looked up at me and said, “How can you truly love me?”

Unlike the lie I’d told in the Thai restaurant years earlier, this time I meant it when I told her, “Mom, I do love you. You can let go and go to your next life. I will be OK.”

After her death, I found nine of her diaries while clearing out her office. She recounted the abusive years in each journal. I learned she was consumed by self-hatred for her entire life — that’s why she thought suicide was her only way out when I was in middle school.

I also found the original atonement list in one of her notebooks. It spanned 10 pages. I discovered that her therapist had encouraged her to create that formal session to make amends.

Reading her words line by line, I was overwhelmed not only by her regret for hurting me, but also by how she desperately wanted my happiness.

Mom halted generational trauma in its tracks by changing her behavior, which led to my ability to break the cycle. She continues to propel my healing even after her death. My daughters marvel at the transformation from one generation to another, and on more than one occasion, they have told me they’re proud of me for changing our family patterns.

I continue practicing the Buddhism my mother and I began when I was 13. I still go to therapy to process my painful past. But now, instead of only her wrath, I feel my mother’s courage to transform her life and repent. Remembering the words she said to me so long ago helps me heal as I continue to hear her apology in my head. I forgive her again and again. She showed me how darkness can turn into light. What greater love is there than that?

Leslie Mancillas is a writing professor in California working on her memoir about surviving childhood abuse, My Bipolar Mom Almost Killed Me: How A 100-Day Bet Saved Us. Follow her on Instagram @lesliemancillas.author. You can learn more about her at www.lesliemancillas.com.

This piece was previously published on HuffPost and is being shared again now as part of HuffPost Personal’s “Best Of” series.

Do you have a compelling personal story you’d like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we’re looking for here and send us a pitch at pitch@huffpost.com.

• Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
• Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI – this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
• CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
• The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
• Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.

Every year, on the first Monday in May, the world’s most famous people gather under one roof, dressed in their finest, for the Met Gala.

This means that on the first Tuesday in May, those of us here in the UK spend our mornings scrolling through social media, judging the A-list guests’ red carpet looks (usually while still in our pyjamas).

Well, folks, that fateful day is almost upon us.

So, to prepare for this year’s event – co-chaired by Beyoncé, Nicole Kidman and Venus Williams, with the dress code “costume art” (in honour of the Met’s upcoming exhibit Fashion Is Art) – we’ve rounded up some of the best, most glamorous or, indeed, most outrageous looks in Met Gala history.

Expect repeat appearances from Met Gala staples like Rihanna, Zendaya, Jennifer Lopez, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Kardashian, Madonna and Doja Cat (many of whom we’re expecting big things from at Monday’s gathering.

Reform UK has been slammed after it revealed a new policy to put migrant detention facilities in constituencies and councils not controlled by its own representatives.

Days out from the local elections in England, and devolved elections in Wales and Scotland, Reform’s home affairs spokesperson Zia Yusuf declared that a Reform government would “deport all illegal migrants in Britain”.

While waiting to be deported, the migrants would be housed in detention centres for a “couple of weeks”.

Yusuf claimed: “A Reform government will not put any migrant detention facilities in any constituency with a Reform MP.

“Nor will we put them where Reform controls the council.

“And of the remaining areas, we will prioritise Green controlled parliamentary constituencies and Green controlled councils to locate the detention centres.”

Yusuf said this meant if Reform representatives were voted in, they would “guarantee you won’t have a detention centre near you” – but, “if you vote Green, there’s a good chance you will.”

Reform called this “an important exercise in democratic consent”.

The senior Reform figure added: “Given Zack Polanski openly advocates for open borders, we look forward to their warm embrace of this policy.”

Deputy Green leader Mothin Ali said: “Reform keep making abhorrent announcements to distract voters from they fact they want to privatise the NHS.”

A Green Party source told HuffPost UK: “The shine is coming off Nigel Farage, his own voters are starting to see him for the establishment stooge he is.”

Green leader Zack Polanski wrote on X: “Reform took a £5m donation and they’re trying to distract you.”

Reform’s announcement comes after party leader Nigel Farage was heavily criticised for pulling out the BBC’s Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg last minute.

The party claimed Farage was campaigning in his constituency in Clacton.

However, his critics suggested he was evading scrutiny after the Guardian reported that he had received a £5 million donation from a crypto billionaire shortly before he decided to run to be an MP in 2024.

The Conservatives also criticised the new migrant policy, as leader Kemi Badenoch retweeted a post from former cabinet minister Simon Clarke which called the policy an “appalling waste of public money”.

Clarke noted that these detention centres would likely be set up in other areas where the public have not voted for Reform – including Conservative seats.

He said: “Zia is proposing the siting of detention centres expressly as a form of political punishment for people and places that don’t vote Reform – not just Green, but presumably Conservative, Liberal and Labour too. (And what about Reform voters in those constituencies?)

“It would almost certainly be deemed an abuse of ministerial power for political purposes, and as such would likely be stuck down in court before ever being implemented, wasting millions for the taxpayer without detaining anyone.

“If it were to go ahead, it would still represent an appalling waste of public money as these sites might well not be in any way suitable for the proposed centres, or near the other infrastructure required.

“What’s worse is that he is doing all this to provoke outrage and draw attention to Reform a few days out from the local elections.

“Reform know what they are doing.

“But this goes beyond a pre-election stunt. It’s declared as a major policy commitment, and should be treated as such.”

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