“There’s one thing that’s nagging at me, though – he’s a widower and has two teenage kids living at home with him.”
Dear Coleen
I’m a woman aged 41 and have been divorced for a few years. I’ve had the odd date since my marriage ended but nothing to write home about and none of them developed into an actual relationship.
However, I’ve seen this guy a couple of times recently who I’ve really clicked with. He’s the brother of a friend and she introduced us, as she thought we’d get on. He’s the first man I’ve thought could be a potential partner – he’s so easy to talk to and has a wonderful sense of humour.
There’s one thing that’s nagging at me, though – he’s a widower and has two teenage kids living at home with him. I’m not a parent, so I don’t know what to think about this, as I know his children will always be part of the picture. It’s not that I’m anti-kids or anything but I realise it makes things a bit more complicated.
I haven’t met them yet but my friend says they’re great kids and they’ve obviously been through a lot. My ex and I made the decision not to have children and now I’ve met a guy I really like who has two of them. Am I overthinking this?
Coleen says
Well, you’re thinking too far ahead and pre-empting problems that don’t exist. You might get along extremely well with his kids and if that’s the case, then it’s happy days.
Look, you don’t have to parent these kids – they’re not toddlers and they’re not looking for a replacement mum. In my experience, teenagers are in and out of the house all the time, developing their independence. I think the way to go is to take it slowly and see how this relationship develops. You can always use your place as a base to get some privacy and get to know each other better.
Yes, blending families isn’t straightforward and it takes time but I don’t think you’re quite at that stage yet. I also think this scenario is less of a problem that if you’d met someone who wants kids when you don’t.
I’m a single woman with grown-up kids and they’d be happy for me to meet someone. But if I met a man who felt my kids were an issue, I wouldn’t be with him. You can’t ever make someone choose between you and their kids because they’ll choose their kids every time.
If you fall in love, you’ll find your way around it, so my advice is to stop overthinking it and enjoy it for what it is right now. You might get to your fourth date and realise you don’t fancy him. Good luck.
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